Let's all... SCREAM! Let the leaders hear you!

This SUCKS dude.

2009-09-04T01:31:00.000-04:00

I am so freaking nervous about school starting! I don't know ANYONE, and when I went to the open house the girls I saw looked bitchy and mean, and the guys were people who wore plaid. Nick never wore plaid. Right now all I'm wearing is a black tank top and shorts, but I'd sooner go to school in that than plaid.
However, I'm planning on wearing my high-tops, purple lace tights, bad-fairy skirt, my I <3 punk t shirt, studded bracelet, and red extentions. Possibly my black lace gloves... But I don't want to look like Madonna, either. Oh, and I hope it's cold so I can bring my leather biker jacket.
Oh, how I can't wait to see how they will look at me!
I'm going to Walgreens tomorrow to buy some cover-up and other makeup type stuff. Lets see how dad reacts to that!
I can't sleep. Every time I close my eyes I think of Nick- that time when we went ice skating and I could practically skate circles around him, when we went to the movies and talked through the whole thing (no loss, it wasn't that great of a movie) when we went lasertagging and if you've seen me in "the zone" you know how competative I get. And he loved me anyway! It still seems unbearably cruel that it's over. But I don't regret one thing I did, exept for possibly trying (and failing miserably) to jump over that stupid tennis net and falling flat on my face. Actually, I flipped over and then fell flat on my face. I even miss the rare occasion when we'd argue, and I'd get heated up over nothing and say something EXTRODINARILY stupid like, "well... Well... Yo mamas a llama!" and we'd start laughing. I miss it when he'd brush his hand with mine. I miss the look he'd give me, the light in his hazel eyes shining brighter than anything else around me, lighting up the darkness in my heart and giving me goosebumps all over, the hint of genuine caring and even- dare I say it- love in his eyes. I miss how even when I was sick he'd still think I'm beautiful (though he wasn't so eager to touch me) and even when I was defeated and broken he'd make my smile and even though I've done the STUPIDEST things he still forgave me. On the extremely off chance that you're reading this, I really want to say that I'm sorry and I miss you and everything in my life is falling apart... I never thought I'd loose you. But since I did, I admit I've been worrying about someone else getting you, a tanned strawberry blonde with smiling brown eyes and no troubles, no hopeless dreams, no 'rental issues. But then I think, yeah, he could get her. But I'm blonde, well-built, blue eyed, and sweetly sad in a way no one else can pull off. I know for a fact that there is someone besides him in love with me, and maybe I could learn to love. But he's my first boyfriend. And my first love. I don't think I'll ever forget him. We may not bs together forever- and tears are pushing against the back of my eyes as I say this- we might not even see each other again, but I have memories that I think of every day. Memories of me and you, shy friends in love.
And I'm as free, as a bird now!!!
*waves candle in time to the music*
I would sneak over to your house, but seeing as it's 2am I'm not sure if you'd appreciate that. Plus I'm not exactly sure which house you live in. You just told me the general area.
Oh GOD!!!!! I FORGOT HIS BITHDAY!!!
I feel awful now :(
I'm sorry Nick!! :(
-- Rachael's iTouch

Bisexuality

2009-08-17T09:26:00.000-04:00

It's so freeing to admit that I, Rachael Marie Walker, am bisexual. I can go like, ooh, she's hot, and not have to hastily correct myself. And, you know, I still do like guys too.
I think I have had a crush on a girl for a while now. Well, I only just realized it, but I think it's been there, nagging at my subconcious. Oh, between marrying Nick and her Nick wins, hands-down. I think my female XX chromosomes like guys, so I'm naturally inclined to love them, plus the biological side of it, you know, stick goes in the hole- but guys are assholes. Not all of them. But a lot of them. I really hope y'all won't judge me- this is an extremley difficult time for me.
I mean, seriously. Girls are beautiful. So are guys.
This feels so liberating to declare!
I'm bi I'm bi I'm bi I'm bi I'm bi I'm bi I'm bi
WOOHOO!
And I still love a guy!
And SCREW YOU HOMOPHOBES!

Rachael's iTouch

The truth

2009-08-05T15:26:00.001-04:00

I feel like everything has come crashing down on me. I feel like I have to lose everything that I need to make my mom happy... And yes, I want her happy. God, do I want her happy. She deserves it. I sound so damn selfish saying this, but why does she have to move to be with him? My whole life is here! My friends, my true love... He's all I think about, you know. That's why I talk about him so much. I can't get him out of my head. It's like he's "I wanna take a ride on a disco stick," it's on constant loop in my head. He is everything to me; he's everything I love and everything I hate rolled into one. You think I would either love that of hate that, but I'm just so confused... My head and my heart are a confused mess, my heart because I don't have him, my head because I normally follow my heart. It's never lead me astray... And as long as my heart keeps beating, I guess it's a victory.
So why dosnt it feel like it???
I feel like a general who sent every single one of his troops into battle, and the enemy was defeated, but in the process every single one of his troops was killed. And then be sees his wife, the lone survivor and queen of everything on their front, falls to the ground and dies.
So, that even if it is a victory it sure as hell dosnt feel like one.
Everyone asks me, why are you still in love with him?
Here's the answer: I don't know!! I don't know anything about myself, or hell, anyone else! I don't know what to think... I don't know what to feel... I don't know what I should do! Everything I do gets me or someone else hurt. I'd rather he miserable and everyone else elated, but it's just impossible. I'm driving myself crazy and miserable trying to do the impossible... Why can no one get along? Why does everyone stab forks in my eyes to make me see? Why????
Why do so many people feel this way? Why is there so much loss and desperation? Desception and lies are tearing the world as we know it apart. Because this happens every day- somebody falls in love, somebody breaks their heart. Why did I give him the most fragile part of me? It's like a beautiful glass sculpture fixed with duct tape... And then he dropped it. Little glass dhards went flying everywhere.
Look at the world around you. How could I have been so stupid as to fall in love? There's misery and desperation everywhere. Happiness is a lie. That's why when the illusion fades, every heartbreak hurts twice as much.
Oh, Nick.

People also ask why I love him.
The answer to that is simple.
He noticed that I'm not okay. I am not okay. And sure, I lied and said I was fine, but be shouldn't worry about me. It's not like he can change the world... Oh, but to me, he is the world.
I feel so much better after writing all that! Oh, and one more thing- I love you, Nick. I really do. I always have felt like this, and now I see that no matter what happens to us I always will. I guess that I'm lost, because the one guy- the one PERSON- who can make me completely and totally happy is gone.
Oh well. I'm used to having to leave behind the things that mean everything to me.
And that, love, is the truth.

-- Rachael's iTouch

The truth

2009-08-05T15:26:00.000-04:00

Windows... Why do we find them dreamy?

2009-07-18T05:22:00.000-04:00

Okay, really. In so many movies, the heroine- hell, even the hero- looks out of their window and thinks about how sweet and amazing and hot their love is (couples are also really starting to annoy me) so why?? And in musicals, there will be someone looking out the window and singing. Believe me, the looks I got from my neighbors explained why they won't let me anywhere near the chorus room. And when it was raining, I started thinking about Nick as I gazed out the window. No epiphinany. Just the same questions that keep buzzing around my heard like flies.
I can't sleep, I'm overthinking everything, and I'm eating lots. I'm starving and emptey inside...
Oh, damn!! I realize what it is now.
I'm sleeping lots less to not at all, so I'm thinking about him. Thinking about him is the only thing that keeps me sane, but makes the big gaping hole in my chest ache and I have to fill that with food. At least Oreos and strawberries won't leave me. They can't break my heart. Damn food... Essential to survival... >P

-- Rachael's iTouch

I need him.

2009-07-17T07:40:00.000-04:00

As pathetic and unfeministic as that sounds, it's true. He makes me go from the disestablishmentarianist to sweethearted ingenous girl. Sure, I "loose my cool" and look like a dorky looser around him, but you know what? I'm okay with that. Because we're both loosers when it comes down to it. And as my dreams die and my heart starts to break, I like to think that he'd be there to help me through it, like he always is. It won't get better, because nothing can help these poor broken shards of my heart. It will NEVER get better, and I will NEVER forget him. We aren't the same; but that's fine. I don't want someone the same as me. I just want him. I feel complete, alive, and as hard as it is to believe, happy around him. If he can make me happy, he's the only one. Poor boy has never seen me cry myself to sleep. But maybe I wouldn't need to, if he was sitting next to me, stroking my soft blond hair and whispering sweet words into my ear as the moonlight shines upon us. Yeah, I can live without him. No, I don't want to. He's everything to me. And I thank God every day that I have him. Oh, I am very grateful. And so sad.
Love is undescribable. It sucks, it's amazing, it's sweet, it's heartache, it's heartbreak, it's tears streaming down my face, it's the smile lighting up my face as he laughs. It's something you have to live to know.

-- Post From My iPhone

What I've learned

2009-07-17T07:28:00.000-04:00

So I was thinking last night, unable to sleep due to my irritatingly squeaky bed, and I've learned something.
I don't do "light relationships." I do relationships with someone who means something to me, someone I can love and be with and cherish and hold... And sometimes that dosn't work out. Sometimes that's for the better. But I realized one of my goals in life: to get married. I know that sounds a lot unlike me, but it's true. I daydream about it a lot, though I never see the groom. I want to get married, be a famous author, and have kids. So that's why I date people. Because I really like them, and I guess I'm not in 8th grade yet so I can't say the L word (although we all know I do) and that's why I'm so heartbroken over this. Oh, and happy birthday Nick. I miss you.

For my ex.

2009-07-14T08:53:00.000-04:00

If I can give you nothing else, just let me say this: I love you, I miss you, and I can't believe the one good thing that ever happened to me is over, but I will be with you in spirit forever. It's a mess inside my head, lost thoughts and forgotten memories scattered around the floor, abstract concepts of thought floating around, but you I will always hold near. Because you're not in my head; you're in my heart. You are where I'm home, where I go to when I have nowhere left to turn. Also, I think it's weird that I can't tell you this stuff, yet I can blog about it and it could be read by random people who like dramatic stories about young love. If you ever need someone to hold, someone to tell you it'll be okay, someone sholder to cry on, I'm here for you. Because you were there for me. I don't dream to sleep; I sleep to dream because you are always there. I know that I've got issues, but you're pretty messed up too I guess that I just found out I'm nothing without you cause we belong together now yeah you've got a piece of me and honestly my life (my life) would suck (would suck) without you!
It's true though. I feel good enough to be loved by you. And if you don't love me, you seriously are blind. I'm blonde, I'm tall(ish), I have blue eyes, I'm smart, I can play 6 instruments, and I can write music. I guess we were perfect, and real life poured down on us.
Because nothing is that good in real life. And if it is, I wouldn't be able to get it. I'm miserable.
I can't say no to you. Never have, never will. We may be just kids, but I don't care. I'm not. My birth certificate may say so, but it's not true. I only felt totally happy around you. I don't know why; love is blind! But I do love you. Every day my misery gets worse. I miss you. Where was your heart? You weren't very physical (and I don't mean sex... Perverts.) and love is more than just glances and effortless talking. Yet you treated me like a queen, and I'm not used to that. So much was left unsaid (on my part anway) and I knew there wasn't enough words to say it. I could have expressed it through a kiss easily. At least you'd remember me. Don't forget me. We may grow apart as a couple, but I'll always be your friend. I'll catch you when you fall. A good friend would bail you out of jail, but a best friend would be sitting next to you saying "Damn, we screwed up!" because friends don't let friends do stupid things... Alone. And I already do stupid things, so why not have company?
We may be very different, but we are the same. I want to say the very important thing you left out when you broke up with me: Goodbye. I'll see you soon, I hope.
That's kind of important.

-- Rachael's iTouch

Why

2009-07-13T04:30:00.000-04:00

A lot of my friends ask me "why?" to things like, "He's my everything and I can't live without him!!!"
Why? Because he makes me forget myself, my agony, my secret life. The one I don't talk about.
Why?
Because it hurts me so.
Why?
My secret life- Crying late at night into my pillowcase, silently as not to disturb other peoples sweet dreams. you ever looked into my eyes after I was zoning out? Did you ever realize how empty and sad they looked? How vacant and dark, their contents spilled out in a pool of crimson red? And the cause of all this, my souveir undiagnosed depression with suicidal tendancies. Oh, and my undiagnosed (self-diagnosed, which dosn't count) schizophrenia. Yeah, I have issues.
As some wise jackass once said, "There are plenty of girls in the world. Why choose a broken one?"
Well, I guess I can see where that jackass gets his thoughts from. I'm not perfect, I'm not beautiful, but are you? Are you one to judge me for not being Farrah Faucett? Are YOU flawless in every way? No! So think about what you say about my chemically inbalanced brain before my imbalanced foot kicks your inbalanced ass! (I watch That '70s Show too much...)
(Directed to... Well, we all know, even he does, so here you go, love:)
Why?

-- Post From My iPhone

7 things (kind of Miley Cyrus parody)

2009-06-30T07:49:00.000-04:00

Since I'm trying to get over bitter heartbreak I'm writing the things about him I simply CANNOT stand.
The 7 things I hate about you:
-He always whispers perverted things to Jacob, and I enjoy perv jokes sometimes, but he never let me in on them.
-I always seemed to be second-class to his guy friends, even when we were just friends!!!!!
-He can't stand my constant personality changes. Too fucking bad!
-He only treated me like a princess- like how you SHOULD treat the object of your affections- when we were alone.
-He never once checked me out. What, am I not hot enough for you?
-He never respected the fact that I am a rare person. I write songs- music and lyrics- I play 6 instruments, I can fix computers, I know everything about punk rock, I'm a dancer, I've been a writer since I was three, I'm blond and blue eyed too. Is that not good enough.
-I must have written 50 songs for him (or more, damn!) and he's never asked to read one.

There's a lot of things I like about him, but they'd take up like seven gigs to type.
So the seven I like:
-He looks at me funny whenever I make a perverted joke, like I'm too sweet to do that.
-He lets me have fun with my girls and not make me spend every hour with him.
-He likes sweet, sassy, sexy, flirty, smart, funny, and goofy personality changes.
-He treated me like a princess and he was my knight, sometimes even when we were in public.
-He did like my boobs:)
-He did seem surprised that I'm everything I am.
-He respected my artistic privacy and didn't read my songs.

(That says Your my everything, just FYI)
-- Post From My iPhone

Kiss

2009-05-17T22:11:00.000-04:00

I find myself having dreams about kissing Nick. Creepy or sweet? Well, I read about it, and it could just be hormornal imbalance, which for a teenager is completly normal. But I like to think that my dreams mean something.
We're talking and I know I'm leaving him soon so I kiss him in the heat of the moment. He seems to like it, but we both go to this fancy thing with books and stuff and we stay in the same hotel room, but in different beds. Hello, I try not to think of him in that way.
When I'm getting that time of the month, I can't help it and he's MUCHO sexxxxxy :) but I digress. Ha, I bet everyone's recoiling in horror by now. But I do love him.
So we're going through the store and normally we'd be together but he's ignoring me so because I'm me I'm with him anyway. He's hiding his face from me behind a book, laughing with his friends. Hurt, I walk away.
I climb into bed with a ribbed tank top and short shorts, same as always. But I feel like... Indescribable. And Nicks sitting on his bed in pajama pants and no shirt, which is hot, duh. I blush and curl up in bed.
Later I hear him whisper, "Goodnight." I whispered the same back.
We sleep. I wake earlier than he, and I look at him with the dim light of the window. He's beautiful, splayed out on his bed, head facing me, lips like an angel's. He whispers my name softly. I quickly avert my eyes because even though it's sexy and intimate, we're still stuck in the middle of something. We don't fight. We get stuck in crap. And ignore each other. Then I realize he's dreaming about me. My heart throbbed, because I clearly dream about him daily.
So after he wakes up we go back to the store and he's being annoying and ignoring me, save for the glances he apologetically gives me. Finally, I can't take it and I leave to go to the bathroom, balancing in some golden pole next to some aquarium.
So I get out of the bathroom, and there is my love, smiling at me.
"Hey." he says, holding me close and kissing me deeply.
Dude, I have the weirdest dreams. WTF is up with the setting?? And I think I should kiss him, just so he can say "Rachael Walker- the blond one right there-" As he points to a picture- "was my first girlfriend and gave me my first kiss."
And I'llbe like, "Nick Hamilton, the person I loved with all my heart and it was unrequiented but was eventually requinted, and we started going out, but I screwed up my first real, true, crushing love."
I don't want to let him go. When my daughter asks me who my first love was, I don't want to pull out a photo album and show her; I want to be able to point across the room and say, "He's right there." This moving thing would be less hard if my heart didn't find it's match here. It's already hard to leave behind all my friends... I really don't want to leave behind someone who was patient enough to love me.

Poem

2009-05-07T10:38:00.001-04:00

Råçhæł+ñįçk <3
Dø ÿöü mįśš mę?
Dö ÿöü mįśś thę wåÿ Į ßmįłė?
Çåúśę I ńeęd ÿöü hęrë wįth mė
Į ñëęd tø hëâr ÿöü śåÿ
Wë'rę bąttėrèd åńd brøkėñ
Ÿöü hęår mÿ frúštrątįõñ
Thęšę words are spoken in despair
Do you care?
I look at you
Beautiful hazel eyed boy
And I say
Follow me
Never look back
Call my name
I'll be there
Don't look back
Don't be afraid
Never sleep never die
Hazel eyed boy
Show me if you care
Hold me close
Whisper sweet words to me
Of love without a sound
Never forget me
Even when we lie side by side
Cold in the ground
I still will remember
Sweet smiles
Warm fall afternoons
The feeling of you beside me
So right so perfect
Your arms so warm in winter
Our laughs echoing off the ice
Came spring, a time of young love
I felt you near me, always,
A sweet kiss passing by
Summer was sweltering
The sun shining on
Two young lovers
Every moment we spent
Was never one wasted
12 years old
And at the top of the world
I want to hold you
In my arms forever
Even when you're 92
Balding, old and fat
I'll love you
I've been waiting for you
And I'll wait forever
Though it may not be easy
Every moment with you
The only place I want to be
When you aren't there
All I think of
Is those hazel eyes
And the way you think of me
As we laugh
Talking, singing, everything is flawless
When you're with me
I recall a long farewell
And a time to choose
Though it wasn't my heart
It was my choice
We said goodbye
And my life slowly fell apart
Seven years later
I'm picking up the pieces of my heart
And you walk up to me
As I recall the perfection
Of us together
You take my hand
Kiss me
Not hello, not goodbye
More like a welcome
And I find the person I belong with
After 19 years it's always been true
No one can mess with me
The way you do
*Råçhæł+Ñįçk*
I miss you too! Let me hug you!
<(^.^<)
<(•.•<)
<(=.=<)
stupid distance...
ily baby!!

-- Post From My iPhone

2009-04-26T21:30:00.001-04:00

I had an amazing dream last night. So you know, me and Nick are going out, but he's never actually taken me out. So I dreamed that he did. He picked me up from my mom's condo and we walked down the sidewalk. He held out his hand, I glimpsed down at it and his Heart line was the same as mine. I blushed and took it, and he said, "where do you want to go?"
I think that's the first time anyone's asked me that.
"Anywhere with you."
So we end up... Somewhere, I don't know nor care where. All I know is that Nick is sitting across the table from me, candles illuminating our faces, feet touching, hands held underneath the table. I love it when he smiles- everyone in the world seems to disappear and all that exists is him and me. So we talk. He eventually takes me home around twilight, stars gleaming in the purple sky. I look at him, never wanting this night, this happiness, this feeling go. He keeps his hands in mine, looking into my eyes.
"I love you." I say bluntly.
"I love you too. Never doubt that." He says, brushing my hair behind my ear. It's amazing-despite the crap I've done, the lies I've told, the hearts I've broken... He loves me. I find that... amazing in every sense of the word.
Then he takes one of his hands out of mine and puts it gently behind my head. He kisses me oh-so-softly. Everything I live for, everything I've wanted just came to me. He kissed me. 1st base, baby... And he pulled away all too fast.
"Goodnight." He said, smiling.
"Night." I said, spinning mentally.
Then I woke up.
Damn. I thought it had been reality.
DAMN YOU REALITY

-- Post From My iPhone

Every Rose has its thorn (Vampire story)

2009-04-13T18:47:00.001-04:00

This story has taken me FOREVER to write and I'm halfway done with it!

Every Rose Has its Thorn
*Rachael*
I remember the innocence I had as a young girl. My parents, Alyssa and John, lived in a small two-roomed cottage with a huge garden. Alyssa cooked amazingly, and we all loved her. Especially my dad, who has never loved anything as much as he loves her. Not even me. So my dad was hopelessly devastated when Alyssa was found dead in her garden, dark hair fanning out around her, blood gushing out from some unseen wound.
My innocence was ruined at that moment, at the age of eight. But let me tell you my story, and all that has happened to me. I am Rose and this is my life.
“Seiko!” I greeted my best friend (and next door neighbor) with a warm hug with weak arms.
He hugged me back. Back then, Seiko and I shared every day together. His mom, Yuki, was talking with my parents. I looked at Seiko. He had chin-length black hair, eyes as dark as the night sky and they shined like the stars. His wide lips opened in a sweet smile. Little did I know that he, too, was analyzing my big baby blue eyes, blood red lips, straight white teeth, and flowing blond hair.
“Hello Rose.” His voice was breathless.
“What should we play today?” He asked.
“I dunno- maybe House?” I said enthusiastically.
“Sure.”
“Let's go get my baby dolls.”
We ran upstairs to my room, as I was trying to calm myself down.
He doesn't know. He doesn't know. He doesn't know. I thought to myself. There was a secret I had sworn to keep from him- to keep from my very best friend.
I was a vampire.
I was bitten when I was sixty but I can make myself look any age- six or six hundred, I can do that and more. I run like the wind rushing through the trees. I have fangs that slide out when I'm thirsty. And the person I was most likely to bite would be my best friend Seiko. Except we vampires really don't need to drink that often. Just a little bit every year on our vampire birthdays, normally from someone willing and knowing like Alyssa. She would hold her neck out for me, washed and scrubbed, and she would instruct me to drink. And so I would- just enough to satisfy my thirst. My love for her was greater than my need to drink blood. I doubt I could resist Seiko- to hear that forbidden blood pulsing against his veins, reminding me exactly what I am and the curse of forever being a monster. And I had to pretend I was an innocent little six-year-old.
“Mommy, Seiko and me are hungry.” I complained. She smiled one of her dazzling smiles. I can eat human food- of course, I have to keep up an image!- and she said,
“Rosie, Mommy's out of vegetables. You and me have to come to the store.” She said, ruffling my hair. She too needed to keep up an image.
“Okay. Can Seiko come too?” I pleaded. The smell of his blood was almost intoxicating- it smelled like flowers but like the sweetest candy you could imagine. My fangs threatened to slide out. I blocked Seiko and his blood from my mind.
“Sure sweetie.” Alyssa replied.
The grocery store was somewhere we didn't go often. Just during the end of the winter when John and I had eaten all the stuff she had dried to last us through most of the winter. Seiko was here practically every day. I saw my teacher, Mrs. Rayelle Hamilton, walk by. She was remarkably different- she was wearing a black corset and a black miniskirt with black fishnets and tall boots with chains. Her makeup- she was wearing lots of black eyeliner, black mascara- she even managed to find black blush. She was totally Goth! And I saw the arm of her husband, Nate, and the back of his blond hair. He swept Rayelle up in a kiss, her long blond hair sweeping back. He wrapped his arms around her tenderly, and she did the same. Their passion echoed around the walls. I shivered involuntarily. Would I ever feel love like that?
Now that I was watching, I could see love off of every wall. There was a newly engaged couple walking together, their fingers interlaced. A single mom and her boyfriend made out behind the magazine rack. A blond girl shopping with her single mother stared longingly at a guy across the store, the expression of lost love in her brown eyes. Another one fought back tears of joy as her boyfriend kissed her. And yet another couple was extraordinarily delighted and kept rubbing the girl's slightly protruding stomach. And then to top it all off, this happened. A voice went on over the intercom.
“Libby Whitacker?” A voice asked. “Libby Whitacker, please report to the ice cream shelves.” A very confused red-headed beauty nervously walked to the ice cream shelves. By now everyone's eyes were turned to her. A man stood there. Her expression lightened up considerably at his presence.
“Libby Anne Whitacker, will you do me the great honor of joining me in holy matrimony... will you be my wife?” He asked, getting down on one knee and opening a blue velvet case, in it lying a beautiful silver ring, sapphires and rubies dancing in the light. Libby was shocked beyond words.
“Oh Bronx, of course I'll marry you!” She said, excitingly pulling on her ring with shaking fingers.
“Let me help, love.” Bronx murmured, sliding the ring on her finger. She kissed him lightly. Everyone “aw”ed. I've seen much more romantic proposals. This one was wussy.
“Let's go.” I pleaded to Alyssa quietly. She nodded- she understood. Seiko nodded too. We paid for our food then strolled home.
2
Vampires do not sleep. I sat in my windowsill, letting the cool night breeze wash over my face. Whispered words caught my attention. They were not from Alyssa and John's room- it was from outside.
“Rose. Rose.” I blinked, and said,
“Um, yes?”
“It's me. Seiko.” The voice, Seiko's voice, said.
“Oh. Climb in.” I said, giving him my hand. He scrambled up silently.
“What's wrong?” I asked.
“Yuki got hit by a car.” Seiko said reluctantly. I had gotten a vibe about him. A bad vibe, the one that sent shivers down my spine. But as I concentrated all my energy on Yuki, I felt a calm descend upon me.
Yuki would be just fine.
However, she would not remain human. I think I had to tell him. Seiko looked at me with his wide, starry black eyes. I couldn't tell him. Maybe later, but just not now. He had already been through so much, the death of his mother and finding out that his best friend is little more than a re-animated corpse? Seems like too much. And if Yuki wants to tell him she can, but my secret needs to stay secret. Seiko was still looking at me expectantly.
“Yuki will be just fine. She will be even better than fine.” I said confidently.
“Thank you Rose.” He breathed, throwing his arms around my waist. I stiffened, then leaned into his warm embrace. We sat like that for a few minutes. A warning vibe shot up my spine.
“Yuki's waking up.” I whispered to him. “Be there for her. Smile at her. She'll be just fine if you're there.” I said. I watched him beam at me as I tucked my knees into my chest as he slipped down the windowsill. I sighed as I knew he was gone.
“Oh Seiko. You'll never know the truth- about anything.” I sighed, fingering his birthday present to me- a gold locket. The charm of a heart shone in the light by my bed. I concentrated every particle of my energy to see my own future.
I was in a library. I was reading the next-to-last book in a series, and I knew there was only one copy left, my eyes flitting across the paper. I finished the last page, stopping only to shove the book hastily into the return slot. I skidded in front of the shelf that should hold the book. It was gone!
“Crap.” I murmured under my breath. I saw the book in the hands of some guy. I saw him- oh my God, he was a vampire! Another vampire! I walked silently to him. He murmured “no” too fast for human ears. He was a mind reader! He nodded. I blinked, bewildered. “Look, I'd finish it before you would.” He muttered.
“I can read faster than pretty much anyone else.” I bragged. I couldn't help it- he was so cute! He had sandy blond hair- that color somewhere between blond and brown? Green eyes, big, voluptuous lips, and fangs. He was thirsty, too. And of course as pale as a bone. He put his hand down, accidentally touching mine. I jumped at the volt of electricity flowing through my empty veins... what was this?
My vision went out of focus then. Exhausted, I collapsed against the pillow. A slight breathing exercise would do it... I thought as I drifted off into gazing into the ceiling, pretty much the vampire's version of sleeping. I heard small noises from Alyssa and John's room.
“Yes!” I heard her whisper. I heard John laugh. I concentrated on Alyssa, her mocha colored skin glowing, her almond-shaped sweet brown eyes shining.
“John... I'm pregnant.” Alyssa said hesitantly to her husband, not meeting his eyes. He kissed her.
“That's terrific, sweetheart.”
The baby was born. Then he got The Sickness.
Okay, so some vampires (like me and Yuki) are bitten and we join the realm of the undead. Others, babies, toddlers and young kids mostly, get this sickness that rages through their body, transforming every cell to be that of a vampire. But no one's had The Sickness in over 200 years! Only... oh.
Alyssa.
I saw her, dark hair fanning out around her delicate face, eyes closed, blood seeping from a wound in her neck.
You only get The Sickness if you bite an immediate family member, with enough strength to kill them- and are in the before mentioned age groups, of course. I saw the baby, the spitting image of John, laugh as the first coughs shook his small body.
I had to stop it. It couldn't be born.
“Lyssa... I think it's breaking.” John said in alarm.
“Whatever!” Alyssa said happily. I ran into their room, curls flying. John was on top of Alyssa, eyes widened in shock.
“Don't. I see the future, remember?” I said, as they hastily separated.
“Of course, darling.”John said, kissing the top of my head. “But can you get some sage from the garden? Alyssa was saying how much she needed it.” He added. I knew where the sage was- in the very back of the garden. Fine! They could have their privacy. It wasn't my problem. I angrily plucked sage from the garden. A sweet, sweet smell filled my nostrils. Shockingly, it smelled even better than blood. It was... lavender? A sudden urge told me to burn both the sage and the lavender. Experience had taught me to use my instincts, so I hastily threw some wood on the fire. I brushed it with my fingers and whispered,
“Fire, warmth and destruction, come to me.” As it did for all vampires, the logs quickly jumped into a merry, dancing fire. I threw in the sage and the lavender, letting my spirit soar, taking me away from here.
My eyes opened to another world. A waterfall trickled sparkling, clear water into a small pool. Long, soft grass tickled my legs. A soft smell reached me- lavender and sage. I saw Seiko lying in the grass.
Then my fantasy changed into a nightmare.
His dark hair lay around his still, dead face. His black eyes were open, the starry quality gone and replaced by a glassy shield. I knew what had happened, but I refused to recognize it. I picked up his hand, searching for a pulse but finding nothing.
“Seiko.” I cried, putting my head on his muscular chest.
Wait. Six year olds don't have muscular chests. I pulled away from him, my hands still on him. He was about twenty. Twenty? Then I understood. It wasn't a threat; it was a warning. A beautiful angel appeared before me, her brunette curls bouncing, her innocently gray eyes glittering with pain. Her mellifluous voice filled my ears.
“Look at his neck.” She told me. I did. Two identical marks were there. Each vampire has his/her own individual mark. Dracula had the circular ones. Those are the most common, with varying sizes. Mine look like little starbursts. And, to my dismay, that was the mark on his neck.
“Why? Why am I such a monster?” I cried, my hands back on Seiko's chest, my face at his throat. It was then I realized that his intoxicating aroma was not from the blood, it was from him himself. He smelled vaguely floral, and it was then that I also realized that I loved him. I loved him- everything was thrown into sharp relief.
“Angel, I love him. How did I k-kill him?” I studdered.
“You're not supposed to love him. You will love...” She trailed off, squeezing her gray eyes shut. “Shadow Connelly. You will have two kids, Midnight and Johnny. You two are meant for each other. Oh... I see your future dreams. He is in all of them. You love him... but it is an impossible love. You had to leave him behind, but you couldn't. You need him like he needs you. And when your thirst overpowered you to the point where you couldn't step outside lest jump on someone and drinking their blood. You convinced yourself that your love overpowered your thirst. You loved him so that it did work for a little, but...” Her eyes drifted to the corpse I loved.
“I understand.” I said, my eyes locked on Seiko's still beautiful face.
“Is there any way I can prevent this?” I pleaded. She looked sadly at me.
“Yes. The one who kills your mother is her blood son. He must be stopped. I leave this to you, young vampiress.” She said solemnly. Then everything went black and I was sprawled out on the grass beside the sage garden, my fire dying out. I took a few sprigs of sage and gathered them in my arms. Unable to hold back on my curiosity, I scrambled easily over the fence separating me and Seiko. I ran so fast that the sprig of sage I dropped as I was climbing over the fence hadn't even hit the ground yet. I saw him asleep. I felt a stab of longing pierce my heart. God, this is starting to turn into one of those sappy love stories. I was half-expecting some cheesy romantic music to start playing in the background. I heard Yuki's key in the doorway. I needed to be there- she must be burningly thirsty.
“Yuki.” I said in a soft voice. She spun around, her purple hair flying, her black eyes wild.
“You.” Her eyes narrowed. “You're a vampire too.”
“Yes.”
“How old were you?”
“Sixty.”
“You love my son.”
“That is your gift? To see relationships? Very interesting.”
“Yours and Seiko's is very strong.”
“Yes.”
“He is human, you know. The smell of anyone's blood is too much for me.” She looked at her feet. Clearly she wanted to be with her son, although it was so impossible.
“Let's go.”
“Where?”
“Out.” I said with a smirk, turning on my heel and marching out with supernatural speed.
3
Who knew the lights of the city could be so bright? Brentwood, California was teeny compared to the city of Pasadena, but there were far more than the awesome shops and terrific foods. There were tons of people. We saw families, couples, friends... what we needed was someone alone. Someone who wouldn't be missed.
We finally found her. She had sad, dull blue eyes and ratty brown hair and she looked at everyone like, at least you have something to live for. Yuki looked at her, put a comforting arm on her shoulder, and told her there is a way out. Her dull eyes brightened. Yuki took her behind a Dumpster and took the blood from her veins. With the last ounce of strength, she said,
“Thank you.” She whispered, a smile hovering on her lips, her black eyelashes closed.
Me and Yuki looked at each other.
“How do you feel?” I asked. Her eyes were rolling around in her head a little. I stepped back and really looked at her.
Her purple hair framed her starkly pale face. Her wide eyes were purple too, and she was as beautiful as Seiko, who was as beautiful as the night sky.
“Yeah. I'll be fine. Let's shop.” She said, her voice light.
“Oh. My. God.” I said happily. I was staring at the cutest shirt ever- it was a velvety purple with a silver belt and a skirt that was long with a slit up to the thigh and fencet gloves with felt boots and a faux tiger fur clutch. Yuki was frantically searching for a size four in the metallic silver dresses. I felt the familiar tingling sensation of a full-fledged vision come to me.
“You remind me of everything I try not to be.” I whispered to Seiko. He was older than six, younger than twenty. Fifteen, maybe? Seiko brushed my face with his bony fingers.
“You like it.” He said, his starry black eyes shining.
“If it has to do with you, of course I love it.” I said, in a mockingly sadistic tone.
“I guess that means you love me.” He said with a sexy smirk.
“You know it.” I said, pulling him close and kissing him. My heart exploded in a fiery expression of passion. I continued on naturally.
“Rose...” He said. He stiffened.
Right. My vampirisim. Apparently that gets in the way of kissing him.
“Sorry, Seiko.” I said.
“'S okay.” He said, his eyes a cloudy black haze of lust. I rested my head on his shoulder as he stroked my hair and whispered sweet words in my ear, lost in the breeze.
I jumped out of my vision, and found myself sprawled on the carpet of JC Penny's. Yuki stood over me, unsure whether to stay, call for help, or run in screaming terror. She saw my eyelids flutter and I saw her chill a bit.
“What was THAT?” She exclaimed as I sat up.
“My talent. I'm a psychic.” I explain as I straightened myself up.
“Way cooler than mine.” Yuki said, looking at her tall boots.
“No way Yuki. You don't fall to the floor in a mock seizure over something dumb.” I teased. I was relieved as a smile spread across her pale face. She held her hand out to me. I took it and we checked out.
We arrived at Yuki's farmhouse, Seiko still asleep.
“Do you mind?” I asked. She hesitated, then nodded as she took her huge bag of shoes to her bedroom. I walked into Seiko's room. He was so beautiful, holding on to his blankets, balled up in his fist. He cried in anguish.
“Shhh, darling.” I said, walking up to him and stroking his face.
“Water, come to me and cleanse this boy of his foul dreams.” I whispered. Water did. He relaxed.
“Good night, my love.” I said, closing his door.
“Yuki, do you have some sage and lavender?” I asked.
“Yeah, it's in the back.” She said, lifting her head from the dresser she was bent over into. I smiled.
“Come. I have something cool to show you.” I said, dragging her to her garden.
“Earth, give me wood.” A few good-burning logs appeared at my feet. I picked some sage and lavender.
“Fire, you warm us. Light the wood, the breath of the ground we live on, that feeds us.” I murmured, the fire erupting into a warm glow. Yuki's eyes were widened in surprise. I smiled as the flowers burned, the sweet aroma in the air.
“Let yourself go.” I instructed Yuki, as she did.
My eyes opened into a new paradise- flowers everywhere, weeping willows over large ponds.
“It's so beautiful.” Yuki said in a hushed tone.
“Patti! Oh my God!” Yuki cried, running into a guy who looked like Seiko.
“Rose?” A voice called. A familiar voice, but it was like I knew it from a different life. I swiveled around and saw a very blond girl with her arms around a tall man with my face and eyes.
My birth parents. I was shocked- and I was determined to memorize their faces.
My mother had flowing blond hair, blue-green eyes and a kind of feral aura around her. My father had dark brown hair, baby blue eyes, laughing lips and my heart-shaped face. I stood there like an idiot, staring at them, unbelievably happy.
“Roselia.” My father said, embracing me in a fatherly hug. My mother, maternal with her beautiful almond-shaped eyes and her dazzling smile, kissed the top of my head and embraced me in a warm, rose-scented hug.
“Madre! Papa!” I exclaimed. Spanish had been our language-I remembered everything now.
“Roselia, coma etas?” My mother said.
“Madre, could you please speak English?” I asked her.
“I'll try, mi quierdia.” She said. Tears spilled down our faces openly. The angel appeared in front of me, her gray eyes sad.
“No.” I whispered. I had just been reunited with my parents! I didn't want to say adios to them yet!
“Rosila. We have to go.” My mother said, her eyes sad.
“Te amo you, mama. Adios.”
“Adios, mi queridia.” My father said, brushing back my hair.
“Te amo you, papa!” I called to him as he faded away. Yuki called to the air,
“I love you!!!”
Yuki walked tword me, her eyes downcast.
“I really loved him...” Yuki said softly, her accented voice flowing quickly.
“I never even remembered my parents.” I said, wiping the tears that were flowing openly down my face. Yuki wrapped me in a hug, hiccuping.
We were in the backyard, sprawled flat on our backs. The sun was peeking over the horizon and I heard the mooing of cows.
“Seiko.” We said in unison.
“Alyssa.” I added. She nodded, saying a silent goodbye as I scrambled over the fence again.
4
I lay in my (unslept-in) bed, staring at the ceiling. I was not happy to admit what I thought of.
Seiko. Seiko's eyes, Seiko's hair, Seiko's nose, Seiko's lips... I thought of his black eyes thisclose to mine, his hands in mine. He runs his fingers through my hair, then sweeps me back in a long, passionate kiss.
“We've been just friends for far, far too long.” He said. I stared back at him. God, his eyes were so starry...
“I agree.” I said breathlessly.
“Rosa, I love you.” He rushed out.
“I love you too.” I said, staring into his beautiful eyes like an idiot.
“I don't know why you won't tell me why you're so distant some days, but it just doesn't matter. I love you more than I've ever loved anything.” He confessed.
I wrapped him into a hug.
“Seiko, I'd love to tell you. I can't, though. All I can say is to trust me, and that I love you like Edward loves Bella.” I said. Everything in my life was changing into a cheese-tacular romantic movie. Oh, Seiko! My love! My hope! My dream!
I shook myself from my mental daydreams, returning to the life I faked. Alyssa knocked on my door and stuck her head in.
“Sweetie? You're not still mad, are you?” She asked.
Oh yeah. Her son. The son that would murder her and become the most evil thing in the history of vampirisim. And I, Rose Lacrymosa McKee (I don't have an actual last name- that's just a cover-up. Like everything else.) am the one thing standing between life and death of the entire world.
It's hard being me.
Alyssa blinked.
“Nah, I'm fine. I need to talk to Seiko, Alyssa.” I said urgently.
“Yeah, go ahead.” She said. I sped to his house so fast that my legs were a blur and I was practically invisible. I lept over the fence, landing lightly like a cat. I slowed when I reached his house, calling his name.
“Seiko! Seiko! Open the window!” He did, showing me a very pale and beautiful face. Oh. He must be sick.
“Rose?” He squinted in the sunlight.
“Sorry Seiko. I didn't know you were sick.” I said apologetically.
“It's okay.” He said. “See you soon, Rose.” He closed his window and I wandered around the small neighborhood aimlessly. Past Seiko and Yuki lived Mr. And Mrs. Olsen, the young couple, who were walking around their garden, talking. I stared at them, thinking of all me and Seiko could be. But we weren't and it seemed like we never would be. Past them were the single mom and her three kids- Leona, Lacrymosa, and Josef. She was cooking dinner- I could see her through the window. Lacrymosa was on the computer IMing her friends and Leona and Josef were bickering. Lacrymosa looked miserable. Her brown eyes were holding something behind them and she never met anyone's eye. I sat on the grass, concentrating on her.
She was unspeakably beautiful. Golden hair fell past her sholders, her brown eyes glowing. But not with happiness. She ran a comb through her hair and looked at what she was wearing- a long, sparkling gown that had a long train. She sighed as she pulled her short, chic veil over her face. There was a knock at the door.
“Come in.” She called, her voice too melodic for human ears. A man in a classic tuxedo came in, holding a bunch of blood red roses and baby's breath. She stood up, took the roses, and kissed him.
“Tomorrow.” He said, picking up her hand and kissing it, an emerald ring gleaming like snake's eyes. “Goodnight, love.” He wrapped her in a warm hug, kissed her once more, and left. Lacrymosa put the roses on her vanity table.
“I can't love him. He doesn't know about my past...” She rubbed a scar. “He should never love me.” She said, lowering her sparkling eyes. I already knew what would happen. So the vision fast-forwarded to her funeral. Red roses were scattered around, her fionce sobbing in the corner. Lacrymosa lay still, her lush lips parted oh so slightly, her brown eyes closed. I sighed and found myself returning from the vision in the backyard. Lacrymosa. She... it was almost unbelievable, that someone she knew would die before she even reached her prime. Before her poor lover could realize what she really was, what she really felt.
But what could I do? Head lowered, heart heavy, I trudged home.
“Rose.” I swiveled around, searching for whoever had called me. I saw no one.
“I've finally lost it.” I murmured to myself. I lifted my head and saw the face of my young Hispanic mother. And what I must have looked like before I became... well, a monster.
“Rose, time is running out. You need to follow the path closest to your heart to find the answer.” The voice said. All I could think of is, yep, I've lost it. And what path is she talking about?!
“The haven you seek refuge in is not what you think. It is a purgatory for lost soul- those who have no purpose on Earth, and no purpose there. When you go in, there is a portal that you can go through. But so can anything else. It is not safe, young vampiress. You must not go there or the lost souls, the evil, the ones who would kill will take over everything and everyone.” Then the voice subsided into a jumbled mass of words.
I have a long way to go, don't I?
5
Three days later, Seiko came over, well and happy.
“Seiko!” I cried, wrapping my arms around him. I had had three endlessly boring days without him, besides my vision and the ominous warning.
“It's my birthday today!” He exclaimed with the carefree joy of a six- er, seven year old. “And I know yours is next week, so...” He smiled. My birthday is next week? I thought. Wow. I really need to keep better track of everything.
“You remembered!” I cried. He kissed me on the cheek. He kissed me! I felt the skin there tingle. I kissed his cheek too.
“Seiko, I have something to show you.” I said, leading him to our extensive gardens. I murmured an ancient spell under my breath. A waterfall trickled down into a clear pool and a bubbly brook. Lilies sprung up on the banks, and Seiko stared at me, open mouthed.
“Drink the water.” I instructed gently. And, as if he was in a trance, did so. His black eyes closed. This was my way of insuring his life... though I hated myself for doing it. I saw his body transform from that of a seven-year-old to a teenager. His black hair was shaggy but his black eyes gleamed with a new light.
Lust.
I looked at my face in the pool. I was the same age as he- fourteen- with big blue eyes and lightly curling hair. My skin was the same shade and I looked so much older than fourteen- more mature, like I had been through so much... which I had. Seiko also glowed. Good, it had worked. I gave him the power of electricity- so he had gotten it from his father. Around thirteen is when the “supernatural” abilities start showing up. I remember freaking out because I had my first vision at twelve. And they hadn't left me alone since. Most humans have some sort of ability, it's just so subtle that they don't even notice it. Seiko's was remarkably strong. His father... I needed to know more about him. Seiko touched my hand. I felt a soft jab of electricity that had nothing to do with his newfound talent. He looked at me, confusion in his eyes.
“Why did you do this to me? To us?” He said, not meanly. Just curiously.
“I would have killed you.” I said, not meeting his eyes.
“Rose. Trust me.” He said, lifting my chin so our eyes were level. I sighed.
“Seiko, open your mind. Be free.” The scent of burning sage and lavender freed my own mind, and we were in my heaven.
“Seiko, open your eyes.” I whispered. He did, and I heard his sharp intake of breath.
“It's beautiful.” He said. “As beautiful as you.” He tucked a strand of hair behind my ear. For some reason, the sound of violins suddenly filled the air. He asked me to dance, and we did. I wrapped my arms around his neck as we moved in time to the music. He spun me around. We danced until the sun went down. Then we sat on a secluded bench (secluded from what?) surrounded by rosebushes and ferns. He plucked a rose and put it in my palm.
“A rose for a Rose.” He said. He blinked, his black eyes inches away from my blue ones. He lifted my chin and kissed me. I felt like some new part of me arose from the ashen remains of what was, and I was born anew. I felt like it gave me wings and set me free, away from my curse, away from everything. He pulled away from me too soon... I looked into his glittering, shining, sparking black eyes. They danced like summer stars. He took my hands.
“Sorry about seeming forward.” He said.
“I don't mind.” I said sweetly. My fourteen-year-old eyelashes were so very long... and so were his, with those beautiful rosy cheeks. He was beyond childhood cute now, he was kind of hot.
My childhood friend and neighbor. And I love him. And he loves me. Somehow, he loves me.
He loves me!
I draped my hands around his shoulders. My head inched up to his, embracing him in an enticing kiss.
“Stop!” I said to myself, though Seiko took it as a warning to himself.
“Seiko, love, I can't do this. I said, dried tears freezing on my face. I couldn't cry- I've only been dead for sixty years. And this girl just now found true love.
How indescribably sad.
“Rose, I'm sorry.” He said.
“Oh, sweetheart, it's...” I couldn't tell him my secret. I just couldn't. It wasn't an issue of trust. I knew I could trust him with anything-ANYTHING-but I was afraid to see the light he would look at me with if he knew. Oh, if only I could tell him!
“Rose, I don't know what's wrong, but you can tell me almost anything. Unless it's a 'lady problem' or something.” He laughed, tucking a stray curl behind my ear.
“Seiko, I love you. I really do think I've loved you since I met you. That pretty little baby, with those beautiful black eyes.” I said into his ear. “You were a baby the same time I was, love.” He said quizzically.
“No I wasn't.” I whispered horsely.
“Rosa, you're the same age as me.”
“I'm not.”
“What?”
“I'm not who you think I am.”
“Rose, I know you better than anyone else on the face of the Earth.”
“That is true. But there are things I don't tell anyone.”
“Oh, Rose, you are impossible.”
“Let's just leave.”
“Good idea. Possibly one of your only ones.”
Anger flashed in my pale blue eyes.
“Just take my hand!” I yelled. He did and I felt his electricity pump through me. We ended up next to the waterfall, merrily pouring out the elixir of life. I angrily unbound the magic.
“Goodbye, Seiko.” I said as he left without a word. I walked to my house, strangled sobs breaking the gentle orchestration of crickets and the distant howling of the mighty wolf.
“What's wrong, darling?” Alyssa asked to me over the clatter of dishes in the sink.
“Seiko.” I said as I marched to my room, closed the door and cried over a boy. How pathetic and predictably sexist could I be? The icy dagger of pain stabbed my dead heart.
Oh, Seiko. What have we done now?
6
I checked myself out in the mirror. I looked so different as a fourteen year old! Blond hair framing my strong, heart-shaped face. My long, elegant neck was slender and beautiful, leading down to my broad, bone pale, photogenic shoulders, to my curvy, hourglass figure, slim waist, and long, slim powerful legs just like my flexible, strong arms. My facial features were the same- light brows, wide icy blue eyes with a haunted, slightly alive look. I had an aquiline nose, and deep red poufy lips. I smiled as I ran my long flexible fingers through my softly curling hair.
Now I traveled on the bus to high school, Seiko next to me, his back turned. What did he see when our eyes met? Did he see the power, the grace, the toughness, the beauty behind them? Did he he feel that electricity flowing through us? Could he guess the secrets I kept from him, the ones I needed to to save myself?
I sighed, flipping open a book and cranking up my iPod, wishing I could drown my sorrows in a flood of words and music. Amy Lee's powerful vocals cried in my ears, singing a tale of betrayal and sacrifice.
I hate you. I thought as I gazed at Seiko's back. ...I hate myself. Then a silent tear rolled down my cheek.
Because it's true.
“Rose?” Seiko's strong voice broke through the wall of sadness I hid behind. It was exactly my brand of heroin. Addictive and the worst thing possible for me.
How is it that the best thing for you is also the worst?
“I'm fine.” I lied. He knew I was lying but was too annoyed to say anything.
“How did Yuki react to your new...” I trailed off, but he knew I meant age, look, pretty much everything.
“She was surprised at first, but she seemed to understand. Rose, is there something you aren't telling me?” He said.
I wanted to tell him. I needed to tell him. I wanted him to know. I wanted him to truly be a part o my world.
“No. Nothing.” I lied again. He nodded, unconvinced. Finally, after what seemed like eons of torturous public transportation, the bus screeched to a halt, opening its squeaky doors unto a world of torture, misery, betrayal and lust that is known as high school. I stared at its many windows, wide-eyed, as Seiko took my hand.
“I'm here for you, Rose. I always will be.” He assured. And with that, we nervously embarked into Clear River High School. Yet, all I thought, with all the drama, tears and trigonometry that lay ahead, was what an imaginative name for a school. It's not like the name of everything in the entire town is named Clear River something. God, that's kind of sad.
The sight I saw was something I had never seen in any school, ever, except on T.V. , so it was shocking.
There were six teenagers, all boys, surrounding one girl. She was terrified. Her wide emerald eyes were as big as the moon, her pink lips in a soft, surprised O, her small body wracking with pleas to stop. One of the boys- a tall, blond, athletic one- was kicking her cruelly.
“You sorry now, Tanisha?” He growled, hate gleaming in his dark brown eyes.
“I didn't do it, Leo!” She screamed.
“What, you think that just because you made the softball team means you can do whatever you want? Let's not forget that night. If that got out, I don't think the softball coaches would want someone with that on their record batting for their team.”
She narrowed her eyes. The other boys all came to the defense, surrounding the tall blond one. Tanisha looked like she was about to do whatever she wanted, but she fell to the ground.
“It won't happen again.” She panted. The guys walked away, cackling.
I looked with horror at them. I blinked in surprise,then dashed to Tanisha's side, Seiko babbling in surprise like he always did when something upset him.
“Why'd you let that jerk push you around?” I demanded to her surprised face. She recovered from the shock, and laughed, black braids whipping around her lovely mocha face.
“You really think someone like me can beat someone like him?” She scoffed.
“What did he mean, when he was threatening you?” I said naively. She blinked in surprise.
“Thank God, someone who hasn't heard about my night of weakness!” She said happily. “Well, about a year ago, I was going out with Leo. I thought he was sweet, smart, funny, and of course drop-dead gorgeous. One night he came to my house. My dad was out with his girlfriend, so I was alone. He brought a six-pack and pretty soon I was beyond drunk. I couldn't walk in a straight line! So I let him get too far with me... I woke up feeling empty, alone, and like a part of me was missing. So now every time I walk by him, Leo just keeps hitting me with that same mistake. If I could go back in time... I would change everything.” She sighed, her face downcast.
“He abused me, too. He would hit me and scream that he wanted me to die. I was miserable and I almost wished he would get his wish.” She said sadly.
I blinked in astonishment. I had grown used to the ways of old, more appropriately my time, and now I was living a very sheltered life, it seemed. And Seiko- poor Seiko!- He was really in over his head. He had the social skills of a six year old.
I am the worlds biggest idiot. I thought to myself as I pulled Tanisha to her feet.
“You're gonna need my help.” She commented, shaking her head.
And then began the end of everyone's everything.
7
I trudged home through the fields of the farms. Waving goodbye to Seiko, I slid inside my house.
“Rose?” I swiveled around at the sound of Alyssa's voice.
“I'm p-pregnant.” She studdered.
“How long so?” I said, arching an eyebrow.
“Five months.” She lied. It was eight months. She had been hiding from me, wearing those maternity dresses, and even worse she knew the baby was a boy. She knew its name would be Jimmy. And she had kept this from me.
“Great, Alyssa. I'm really happy for you.” I said, a false smile spreading across my porcelain doll like face. She smiled, and she gave me permission to stay out as long as I wanted until I moved out. I gave her my thanks and ran out the door.
“Rain, fall upon this farm town.” I whispered. And on my command, a refreshing rain fell upon the rolling fields of crops, onto the two kids playing Cops and Robbers outside, onto the large white farmhouses, onto the livestock, and onto me. Just to prove how much my life had become some sappy romance movie, I felt like
I was about to sing. Me! Sing! I must be insane, I thought bitterly.
Although I did cry. I walked the streets, not knowing or caring where I was. My curls stuck to my face, my lashes stuck together, my black clothes clinging to my body. I sloshed to a restaurant. Anything to feel more alive.
I was beginning to wish that instead of that vampire biting me, he had just left me to die.
I remember that day very well. I was a sixty year old poet, publishing my works as anonymous. No one knew the way my heart beat- how could I let anyone in?- and no one even knew my name. That night, I had gone to a small French restaurant. There I met a man with the name Victor Husselbeck. He flirted with me casually. I smiled and told him to visit me anytime he wanted. Then I left, which was easily the dumbest thing I ever did. It was around three in the morning, and most normal people were asleep, or at least at home. It was a warm summer night, the moon was full and shedding a particularly bright light. I took off my sweater, where all I was wearing was a tank top. I also looked about twenty, so I heard these guys wolf-whistling at me. I was about to snap at them to shut up, but then I saw Victor among them. I stared at him in shock. Then, one of the guys stood next to me.
“You're so pretty.” He snarled in my ear. I spit on him.
“Mistake, darling.” He said, holding a knife to my neck. I gulped. Then I felt the blade skim my skin, the pain bursting through me like a ten-ton wrecking ball through an abandoned office building. I fell to my knees, howling in agony. I wanted it all end, for it all to decay inside me. Then I felt the sharp stinging of vampire venom flowing through me. I screamed even more.
Then the blackness ensued me. I heard the exited talk of passerby, the concerned mutters of strangers, the rustles of newspapers, the thumping of feet on the pavement, the roaring of cars on the freeway, and the silence of my own heart. I opened my eyes.
Everything was so sharp. Like a super-high resolution photo where you can see practically every pixel of every molecule. I could see the lines in people's irises from miles away.
Oh my God. The face next to me was Victor. He was a vampire! And with that true statement, began my life after my death.
I shook myself mentally. Stupid vampire. I wanted to die.
I left before anyone took my order. I just wanted to be alone... no, I wanted to be loved... no... I didn't know what I wanted. I didn't even know who I was. Tears slid from my eyes. The homeless lined the streets. They were no stranger to pain. Their eyes traveled up my marvelous clothes, quickly looking down before I could meet their gaze. I saw a mother cradling her two children. She didn't look much older than sixteen, yet here she was, tear tracks leaving clean spots in her dirty face. Every day, she had to face the same hopeless consequences of other people's bad choices. Instead of a ring on her finger, all she had to show her husband's commitment was a bent fork. She looked like she was about to give up. Unknowingly, I started sobbing too.
“Can you hold Shaqueeqa?” She asked, handing me a very dirty, very scraped baby.
Who could it hurt? We cradled the future of America in the dark alleyway, embers from the only fire they had slowly fading to ash. This was the life they knew. This was all they had, I thought as the sun began to rise. I handed her her baby, then walked into the sunrise, heading to the place I'm forced by law to call home.
Nothing is worth the struggle. I thought.
I sat up. I hadn't slept, of course, but I had drifted into the substantial land of unconsciousness. Idiot! It must have been a dream! I scolded myself.
How wrong I was. And how, by the end of the week, I wish I had never met that homeless mother, Lelani, and her kids, Sam and Shaqueequa.
8
My day began normally enough. I grabbed a deer on the way to school (I'm the world's best predator) and sucked it dry. As usual, my blue eyes shone like they always did after consuming any blood. Plus I felt more alive... something I hadn't felt for a while.
I needed human blood. Not Alyssa's- she would know somethings up if I drank blood more than once a year.
Lelani.
Yesterday as we were cradling her children she confided that she was... suicidal. The way I saw it, she would kill herself anyway. Why let all that beautiful blood go to waste? Ignoring my civic duty to actually attend school, I threw the deer into a pile of leaves and headed off for Lelani and her children.
“Hello Lelani.” I growled from behind a Dumpster.
“Wh-whose there?” She studdered.
“Come with me and your kids will live.” I said with a laugh. With trembling knees, Lelani came forward, leaving her two kids asleep on the wet ground. Sam sneezed. If I hadn't been so blinded by rage I would have stopped right there.
But I didn't.
“Come here.” I cooed, using the hypnotizing voice I didn't even know I had. She did, eyes blank. She fell forward and I bit into her neck, letting the sweet nectar flow into my mouth. I kept drinking, blood spilling onto my lap, splashing onto my lips, rolling down my face, tinging my fangs red.
It was horrible and terrific all at once. Then there was less and less blood, and then I left the corpse of Lelani in the alleyway, to be discovered by her parents and children.
Little did I know how big of a change little Sam and Shaqueequa would cost me.
“Seiko.” I nodded to him as we passed in the hall.
“Where were you? Were you like, ditching or something?” He said excitedly.
Yep. His brain and physical appearance may be that of a fourteen year old, but he was defiantly six on the inside. Poor Seiko. Falling victim to my own mistakes.
Yet again.
“Yeah, I ditched.” I lied.
“Sweet.” He smiled.
“Well, smell you later.” I waved. He gazed at me forlornly as I wandered down the hallways to my Science class. As usual, he left me more confused than anything and longing for something more. That was when it hit me- I had just drank from a human! Someone living! Well, they weren't living anymore; I had killed her! I'm a murderer! I thought, walking straight through a wall. Again.
I sat on the bus, acknowledging that the buzzing from kid to kid was all about me walking through that wall, mostly because I could hear every whisper. I felt eyes boring into my back. I knew it, and I knew it would happen eventually. It was part of being a vampire. I sighed to no one, and then the most clueless person in the world stepped onto bus 145- Seiko Vonhurr.
“Hey Seiko.” I said, trying to sound nonchalant.
“Hi Rose.” He said, coolly. He didn't even know about the walking through walls? God! This beautiful child is clueless about everything- especially his best friend, Rose Shia. Me. The vampire.
“Um... I have something to tell you.” I said.
“Yeah?” He said clueless as always.
“Meet me in my shed after we get dropped off.” I whispered. He nodded.
“What is it, Rose?” He called out, having much weaker eyes than mine. I sat here in the hay, letting the light shine on me.
“I'm over here.” I sighed. I heard him trudging through the hay, ending up in front of me.
“Wow,” I heard him whisper. “You are amazingly gorgeous.” His eyes were wide, so I knew he meant it.
I laughed quietly.
“Seiko, I have something to tell you.” I murmured.
“What is it?” He said, eyes wide and fearful.
“Did you like Dracula?” I asked. We had watched last Saturday at Yuki's.
“Yeah, I loved it.”
“What if... I was a vampire? And what if... you were my human consort?” I said, looking at my feet. I didn't want to see his face as he second-guessed everything he knew.
“I thought monsters were made up. Fiction, you know.” He said, looking at his feet too.
“I am a monster. I've killed someone. But that doesn't change the way I feel about you, Seiko. The way I've always felt.”
“You really are a vampire then?”
“Yeah. I drink blood and everything.”
“How old are you?”
“Fourteen.”
“When you died.”
“Sixty.”
I heard his sharp intake of breath.
“I'm in love with someone fourty six years older than me.” He grinned.
“You love me too?” I said, standing up.
“Always.”
Then I wrapped my arms around him.
“Thank you.” I whispered. He dipped me back and kissed me. It was magical, like it always is in the movies, with him holding me close and the feeling like I was soaring over mountains that I had only dreamed about reaching before.
“This is so wrong.” I said as he pulled away.
“I know.” He agreed.
“Too bad for the Vampire Rulers, you're staying with me.” I laughed.
“The what now?”
“The Vampire Rulers. They conduct all of our laws and restrictions... and punishments. As soon as you become a vampire, your mentor-the one that turned you into a vampire- takes you to them. Then they can keep tabs on you.” I said warily.
“What about the human consort thing?” He asked.
“You are my human consort. Technically, vampires aren't supposed to have any, but they happen. I'm supposed to have a vampire 'mate' but I'm the only one for miles. Besides, all I want is you.” I said, truthfully.
“You live forever?” He asked.
“Yeah. We do.”
“Let me join you.”
“Love, I would never make someone a vampire who has another choice.”
“You must! That way the Royal Vampires or whatever will let us be together!”
“Seiko, darling, I don't need the Vampire Royals to tell me I love you! I've loved you since the day you said your first word- you were in the garden with Yuki, Alyssa was helping her weed, and you said Rose, clearly as I would.”
“My first word was your name?”
“Yeah.”
“Strange, huh?”
“You bet.”
“Rose, one more question- why did you turn me into afourteen year old human?”
I closed my eyes.
“Seiko, there's one more thing you should know about vampires-we all have some special ability.” I told him.
“Sweet. What's your's?” He said enthusiastically.
“I see the future.”
“Oh my God! That's like, so cool! Have you had any visions about me?”
“Yeah.”
“What was it about?”
I took a deep breath. “Your deeath. And it was all my fault. But Seiko, you know now. You can see if I'm about to bite you. Never, ever let me bite you.” I sobbed.
“It's okay, Rose. It's okay.”
Should I tell him that it's never okay, that nothing is ever okay?
9
Alyssa was having her baby. Seiko didn't know that it would be the ultimate demise of the world, so he kept whispering things in my ear, like “Oh my god, a little brother!” It was kind of annoying, mostly because I was already agitated. So I just smiled and nodded. Me and Seiko talked about vampires to pass the time. He seemed very interested in them- more so than even me! Most of those old myths are just that- myths. We can cross running water, we can go out in daylight, it just kind of burns, crosses and holy water do nothing to us, a stake through the heart won't even work- our skin is virtually impenetrable. The only way to kill us is to kill the one we love. And if the one you love is a vampire, you can always rip our heads off, stuff them with garlic, and scatter our limbs around. And I don't even sleep, let alone in those freaky coffins. And I love some garlic on my pasta.
Most of those myths are made up to give the humans a false sense of supremacy, that they are somehow better than the paranormal.
Yeah.
There are other paranormal beings too- there are werewolves, faries, pixes, dwarves, you name it. There are also things you probably havn't even heard of, such as the Triclepitose. They're a tribe of Native Americans that literally are bird men/women. They have the beaks, feathers and wings, yet are built as humans. They are a peaceful people, being vegetarians and pacifists. Every once in a while you'll get a masochistic Triclepitose, but normally they keep to themselves.
Almost all of the “farytale” beings have some sort of way to blend in, like a chamelion. Why have you never seen a fairy? They do live in trees but when they leave they can make themselves invisible to human eyes. All of us in a paranormal world sort of have an alliance. Even children of the night-us- coexist with the daughters of the light (the fairies) to keep our true selves out of sight. Even genies exist. Most of them were wiped out when humans melted down their lamps, but a few do still exist. They are very old and wise, and if anyone needs advice they're the go-to guys. The nurse came up to me and Seiko just as he asked me how you can tell who's a vampire.
“Do you want to see the baby?” She asked.
“Yeah!” I said. I wanted to see what I was up against.
“Come with me. You can come too.” She said, gesturing to Seiko. He took my hand.
“Vampires all have a tattoo. It is put on my the Vampire Royals to track us. Here's mine.” I said, pulling back my sleeve. It was of a rose, of course.
“They like to make it practical.” I said, smiling.
Alyssa held baby Jimmy in her arms. For a soon to be cold-blooded killer, he was kind of cute.
“Hey Jimmy.” I said. He looked at me with Alyssa's big brown eyes. Actually, he looked almost exactly like her except that his skin was a shade lighter.
This is the future demise of or planet? I thought. But I had no idea how hard it would be to kill your adopted mother's son. Especially when that kid is an evil vampire.
“Awesome, Alyssa.” I smiled.
“Thanks, sweetheart,” She croaked. “You can go home. I don't want you to have to sleep in the waiting room. But, knowing you, I guess you'd be too exited to sleep anyway. I beamed with fake happiness at her. Good thing she was so tired! The Alyssa who had kind of raised me would have known immediately that something was up.
“See you at home, Alyssa and John!” I called as Seiko and I left.
“Tell me more about you.” He demanded as we marched down the hallway. I laughed and told him everything I knew about magic.
That it was real.
And that he had some of it in his veins, that it actually made him stronger. That he, too, had a talent.
Electricity. And he could help me kill the demon that was the newest member of my family.

News...

2009-04-08T21:02:00.001-04:00

Okay. So my mom's getting married. We know that.
But we're moving. I've made up my mind- I'm staying with my mom and going to the new school. But I'll be at my dad's during weekends and breaks. I don't want to loose any of my friends, but I don't want to be stuck in Warrenton.
Sadly, I'm moving away from my boyfriend. I guess that quiz was wrong. How can I spend my life with him if we aren't together?We're moving after school let's out.
I'll miss you all :[.
Wait. I could stay with dad. I DON'T KNOW!!!!!!!!

-- Post From My iPhone

I know.

2009-04-08T14:05:00.001-04:00

I know who I love. God, I AM an idiot. I've loved him forever. I will live him forever.
Nick, I choose you. I can't beleive I doubted that for a second! You're everything to me... Everything I miss, everything I treasure, everything I need. I can't stop thinking of you. I'm so happy I'm with you! There's no one I'd rather be with. You finally are mine- and I'm yours. I love you, forever and always. Now my name didn't bring pictures of only a blond, blue eyed artist- it brings the image of you next to me.
I know you aren't reading this.
I want the world to know how much you mean to me- I want to hear my voice resound off the world-
I love you.
I always loved you.
At least part of me will always love you.
I know you're on a plane- hell, so am I! And you probably aren't thinking of me at all. But I'm thinking of you and I miss you SO much! It sucks that I can't text you (frikin phone >:/)
I wish I could hold you, stay with you... Somehow I'll show you that you are my night sky.
I've always been right behind you in spirit... Now I'll always be right beside you.
After crying myself to sleep every night, I finally realized that you love me too.
You love me... Now, I love myself.
I never even thought I would say that.
Then again, I never thought there'd be... Well ...You.
Thank you for respecting me and, well, living with me. I know I'm hard to figure out- one moment I'll laugh, the next scream, the next cry.
Thank you for loving me. Thank you for being with me. Thank you for showing me how good happiness feels, and never lying. You showed me the side of me I didn't even know I had, and I... I'm shocked by how much you've helped me.
You don't even know.
I sit upon this plane tonight
Thoughts of you inside my mind
Love
Save me
From all I've become
I love you
And I always will...
-- Post From My iPhone

Every Rose has it's thorn

2009-04-08T09:37:00.000-04:00

There is no actual point to this. All I'm describing is Rose and Seiko, two fictional charictars I write about.
Black hair falls in front of his dark brown, almost black eyes, set in slightly dark-toned skin. His nose twists upward, below it full lips and straight teeth. He has a long, elegant neck, small sholders, a skinny body (not lacking in muscles) powerful legs, and big feet. His eyes sparkle with remorse and pain. This is Seiko.

Blond ringlets fall around her pale, pale face. Her wide blue eyes glitter, luring in prey, her aquiline nose more sensitive than any other's, pretty pouty lips opening into a wide grin, showing off her teeth- straighter than a row of parked cars, and as white as untouched snow. As white as her skin. Also, her canine teeth were slightly elongated.
They are fangs.
She too has a long neck, small sholders, C cup, hourglass waist, slim but strong legs, and petite feet.
There is blood on her pale, small, long fingered hands. Blood as red as a rose... She is Rose.

Alyssa is African and has dark skin, beautiful dark curly hair, light brown eyes and a wide smile. Wide sholders, normal chest, skinny, big feet. Married to John, adopted mother of Rose, biological mother of Jimmy.

John has touseled mouse brown hair. His eyes are a clear blue and has a five o' clock shadow. He's musclar and has a perponderance of female admirers, but loves Alyssa like no other. Adopted father of Rose, biological father of Jimmy.

Yuki has dyed purple hair cut in a spiky bob, and is beautiful in her own spooky way. She was bitten by a vampire doctor to save her life. She too is a Daughter of the Night, meaning she is a member of a secret society of vampires. Rose is, too. Biological mother of Seiko.

Jimmy is a baby. He has mocha colored skin, "innocent" brown eyes, and Johns mousy hair.
At three months old he contracted a cold. It wasn't your everyday cold, either. It was the deadly virus that turned babies into vampires... And Jimmy turned into a vampire. Four months old and had silver fangs gleaming, and dripping scarlet with Alyssa's blood.

Setting: cupertino, California

Other interesting ch

-- Post From My iPhone

A lot about guys, the sadly needed lowest form of life (no offence to anyone exept...)

2009-04-06T22:06:00.001-04:00

I hate being a blond haired, blue eyed cliché!!!!! Everyone loves the girl with big boobs, a pretty smile and a quick brain, but do they know the heart that lies underneath the B38? No. Not most of them, anyway. Yes I am the "standard" of beauty. Does that mean that EVERY guy I get close to falls head-over-heels in love with me? Apparently.
I need Nick's calming words of reassurence. I hate whining but I need him to act like we're going out. Why do I love him? Why do I have to be pacified by his very existance?
He seems to be the thing I've always wanted, but never had.
(blue eyed cliché)
-- Post From My iPhone

Florida! (day 4)

2009-04-06T06:51:00.001-04:00

We went down to the Gulf today- it was awesome. But we were so sunburned! It was like pouring gasoline on a forest fire.
We go home tomorrow.

-- Post From My iPhone

Florida! Day 3

2009-04-05T08:33:00.000-04:00

4/4/09
It's THAT time again. And I forgot to pack stuff for THAT. So that kind of sucks. We went to the flea market- I didn't get anything, being constantly broke- and then swam! I made sure I was in the water at all times.

-- Post From My iPhone

Florida! Day 2

2009-04-03T19:36:00.000-04:00

4/3/09 7:36 pm
I got up this morning around 10 (while Nick was in Science) and went out to swim around for about six hours, with breaks only to pee, text, or eat, and then we went out for dinner. Dressed in my sexier clothes of a tank top and a miniskirt, I looked hawt. Exept for the sunburn coating my body! Only the "bikini areas" were still pale. I even burned my hands and feet!
We came back to Grandpa's and I annonced I was going to further explore the community. I found a pool, tennis court, coconut trees like the ones in his backyard (COCONUT trees. In his backyard! How cool is that?!) and a lake. Me and Josh grabbed some shells and I found a full oyster shell, but a spider crawled out and I freaked. Well, that's it for now.
8:01
I love guys who are sweet. They rock <3. This time I DON'T mean just Nick.
8:51
So. Much. Pain. I'm gonna sleep now, if nothing to escape the pain. Normally that's my exit from emotional, not physical, pain. That's saying quite a lot.
-- Post From My iPhone

Florida!- Day 1

2009-04-02T21:32:00.001-04:00

4/2/09
Well, right now all I'm doing is sitting on the sofa, waiting for Grace and Josh, aka Beevus and Butthead, get home. Trust me- half an hour takes FOREVER. So do half days, when all you can think of is warm sun, clear water and white sand. Each half hour seemed to crawl by with the sole purpose of annoying me. Dulles seems to be a second home to me now, no matter how sad that is. I've seen every gate, every place to go, I can tell you the best airlines, and which ones have the best food. (British Airlines, fo shizzle) so yeah. God, 11:48? You have got to be kidding me. Well, whatever. I'm going to Fort Myers with my grandpa, but Nicks going up to Seattle. The only way we could be farther apart was if he was in Alaska and I was in like Purto Rico. He's going to the state of rain while I'm at the Sunshine State. Notice how that's the opposite of our personalities? I think I am going to change my name. I'm thinking Rain or Raquel. I like them both- the rain's soft pitter-patter on the windowpaines, and the Hispanic sound to Raquel. My mom is hispanic- so I speak okay Spanish. For example:
Mi abulita a mi madre se habla espaniol.
Te amor Nick.
Musica es mi loco amo.
See? I also have a few helpful hits for one with brothers:
Kiente- shut up.
Kiente KIENTE KIENTE!!!!!!!!- Shut the HELL up you annoying... Yeah.
Okay I'm leaving now. I'll be back... With sunburn.
1:28 pm
Riding the bus to the termanal. Boring!
2:27 pm
1989 by Mindless Self Indulgence- my hero! I am so bored it's beyond sad. B70 has about twelve people at the entire gate. Apparently Dulles to Fort Meyers isn't a popular flight.
We'll be out of dreary Virginia in an hour. For now, I'm searching for a Dunkin Doughnuts or a Borders with books I wouldn't barf after reading. I've only been home three hours and I already read three books! Can you say nerd? Nah, I'm way cool B). Oooh, a Borders!
3:34
Plane is beginning to take off! About freakin time!
5:31
We've been at "cruising altitude" for a while now, and I am SO bored. The good news is that we're in Florida now, well over it anyway. I can't wait for you to shut me up....
THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID!!!!
(couldn't resist)
Anyway, I'm gonna finish my book. That would be like the third book today? That's me alright.
5:49
One word: Yawn!
This is why I hate travel, though it's a lot shorter than Paris. Oh, Paris is AMAZING, btw.
6:29
Here we are!
6:55
Weather: perfect.
Clouds: none
Sky: blue.
Convertable: top down
Hair: Golden in the sunlight and whipping around my face.
Cramps: sadly, many.
Everything is perfect in Florida! Well, what did you expect ;)?
Oh, and riding with the top down isn't always sexy. When you're screaming "Goodbye Borington!!!!!!!!!" Like I was, guys throw you some freaked up glances.
9:31
Sitting in the hot tub, in a sexy black bikini with perfumed bubbles rising around me... Nirvana...
-- Post From My iPhone

Song

2009-03-30T06:45:00.000-04:00

Eyes of blue
Staring straight through me
Oh hair of blonde
Gleaming endlessly
The one I love
The one I love
Blue like the sky
On warm summer days
Blue like my
Isolation
Rain from the sky.
Blond
The fields if wheat
The color of the sun
And this song dosn't say
How much I love you :)
Rachael+Nick <3
And I'd die just to hold you
Stay with you
So many nights
I've cried myself to sleep
Now that you love me
I love myself
I never thought I would say that
I never thought there'd be
You

-- Post From My iPhone

Hands are cold as ice.

2009-03-29T16:56:00.002-04:00

She looks in the mirror, her eyes red and puffy from crying, tear tracks drying over her pale skin. She is beautiful, her blonde hair wavy and golden, but they do little more than disguise her tears. Her nose his aquiline and flawless save for a small zit at the top. Her lips are red but chapped and bleeding, and her jaw is strong. She has to be, for her sister, for her troubled brother. She whispers words no one will ever hear, says things she knows no one will beleive. She has to believe her lies. That's all she has become- a pretty face bent by lies and illusions. And fear. So much fear. She sinks to her knees, blood spattered on the hardwood floor. Deeper and deeper. The cuts scraped farther and farther. She knew it would hurt her. She knows it could kill her.
Yet she does it still.
Why? She'll never tell.
Because she is me.

-- Post From My iPhone

I never said I didn't love you!

2009-03-29T16:29:00.004-04:00

I am seriously changing. I used to be, I'll never be Mrs. (guys first and last name) because I am Rachael, and I sure as hell will be until the day I die. Then I fell madly in love. Now I enjoy every moment we spend together, not worrying about the future or anyone else. It's just us. It seems that way to me even as I drift off into my own little world, but I don't care because fantasy is so much better than reality! He'll take my hand and we stroll beneath the stars, and I don't need anything, I have my whole heart next to me. Part of me will always be with him, not physically of course, but emotionally. I wonder about college- who dosn't?!?- but my dream is Julliard or NYU, and he's more science.
We'll see. College is years away. Hopefully we'll call or text a lot. I can't survive a summer without him texting me, let alone four years!
I'm getting needlessly stressed out.
They say that when you meet "the One" everything changes. And I have changed ALOT since that first day of fifth grade when I first saw those beautiful blue eyes I see in my head every night. I beleive that if something is meant to be, it'll happen, but you have to help, not just stand idly by. Cinderella may have gotten help from her fairy godmother, but she herself went to the ball. Now I may not be Cinderella and he isn't Prince whothehellcares but I love him. I feel like he isn't just a friend who comes and goes- he's someone who will stick by me till the end. And that would really be nice. I need someone to cheer me up or laugh along with me or hold my hand when I'm afraid. And I'll do the same for him.
I have found my reason to live, and I will always love it. I could be dying, but like that Thriving Ivory song Angels on The Moon, I want to feel again. I miss the pain of spraining your wrist. I feel like a ballon, cut from the strings that held me down as I float farther and father away from me.

-- Post From My iPhone

Love, love, love!

2009-03-27T15:21:00.002-04:00

I'm very much in love, as we all know,
but today this post isn't nearly as much about me and Nick as they usually are. Okay, so I'll save me for last.
My mom got engaged!!!!!!!! I know!!!!! Her ring is like enormous and she's so happy and I'm so happy for her and her and Joel are so cute together!!!!
On the (admittadly smaller) down side, we're going to move. I don't care, though. The good outweighs the bad.
My aunt got engaged! In Paris! Le city de romance (and formage [cheese]) and that's sooooo romantic and my uncle's been engaged for awhile now and are getting married July 4th.
And me and Nick! Our relationship is getting hotter! I love the small things (and that's what's important here)
So we're in Science. I'm done working and I'm reading, and laid back and I was moving my foot and it accidentally hit his and I pulled back a little, but then he put his foot (gently) on mine and left it there. My heart must have sped up audibly, because he took his foot off mine and just made it slightly touch mine. He knows me well enough that footsie=good. Expensive crap=bad.
Bottom line, I'm complicated, he's figuring me out and now that me and Nick are together things are heating up all around me.
I love him, I really do.
-- Post From My iPhone

Is it weird that I think like this?

2009-03-12T20:43:00.003-04:00

Here's one of the many things I think about late at night, staring at the ceiling in the dark as friends slowly sign off Facebook.

My life's dream is to be an "artsy" person in some way, shape or form. And when I am that person I always knew I should be, does that mean I'll have to give up everyone and everything I treasure? My friends? My privacy? My love to wander around in my pajamas for hours on Saturday mornings? And most of all, what about Nick? Will I have to leave behind the very first guy I've ever loved? Because I think I love him. For real.

Um, yay?

2009-03-06T20:37:00.006-05:00

I'm confused.
I realize I say this a lot (because it's true) but I really am right now. So, I have the boyfriend of the dreams. He's sweet, he's funny, he has the most amazing eyes I've ever seen, and he's like a dream, a dream I always thought I was so close to touching, grabbing it, but it was always just out of my reach, like swiping blindly through the fog, trying to locate a small, dark thing. Eventually you'l find it. And I guess I found that elusive piece of whatever I wanted, and I can see it, gleaming right in front of it. Suddenly, it's not hard to reach. People don't shake their heads and think I'm hopeless for trying to find it. And I guess that's good.
So, in case you didn't guess already, I'm the person blindly trying to find something in the fog. And Nick's the thing I'm trying to find.
So here's my dilemma- I have this thing, this dream, this thing I've always wanted, right in my hands.
So now what I do?
I feel like this is so right, but something's slightly off-balance. I mean, I'm twelve. So much older in many, many ways, but that doesn't matter. I'm twelve (and a half) but I have more experiences than most people. Who meets their true love when their, well, I met him when I was nine. And I immediately struck up a fast friendship with him, always close, always laughing with him, and then I realized how I felt.
Romantic, surely.
Predictable? Even more so.
I'm unpredictable. I'm weird. I'm random. I have depth and intelligence, complex and soulful outlooks on things, but I'm also a free spirit. I don't want to be tied down. I don't want to be married straight out of high school.
I don't want to be what some people think I should.
So why should I care what anyone thinks? I love and have loved him. Am I going to live my entire life after him?
I direly don't. Yet whenever I'm around him, it's like the sun, warm on my back, dancing in front of me. And I want the happiness to last forever.
So, my question is, what IS love? What makes it so we're attracted to some people, yet utterly despise others? What makes it so magical yet so painful all at once?
Whoever has these answers just solved all life's problems. But I know that for now I'm going to be doing this- thinking about him.
Forever and ever- two scary words. I need to make up my mind on my own. This is something no one can help me with. This is why I couldn't ask him out. I over think everything.

Why am I blogging at 2:05 pm?

2009-02-25T14:04:00.003-05:00

I feel like crap, that's why. I'm laying on my bed and blogging because no one's on Facebook yet. It sucks to be sick. I'll probably be at school tomorrow. I miss Nick :'( he hasn't e'd or IMed me... I guess because he thinks I'm sleeping. (sweetest bf ever!) but I miss talking to him. Hell, I'd love to talk to anybody. Being sick is so borrrring!!! So that's why I'm blogging so early. Trust me, I've tried, you can't get to screamitloud-rachael from the library. I feel like dancing but every time I get up I feel like puking. On the plus side, I've lost some weight (and you didn't think that was possible! HA!) and I have a reason for sucking at flute tomorrow. God, my teacher is so... strict! It's hard.
I never though I'd say that about playing a flute. Well, I guess that's how you learn. By being taught and challenged. I'm a little stressed about festival which is in about 2 weeks =O and none of us are ready. Well, what can I say? It's been a nice two days of much needed r+r, but I have to get back to the real world. *sigh* whatever. I'm sleepy...

smile smile smile smile

2009-02-22T13:59:00.003-05:00

Why am I smiling so much? Because I'm so happy!!! I love the weekend I love the sky I love the trees and I love the dead grass! But most of all I love my new boyfriend.
Yup, you read that right.
Guess who it is? I'll give you a hint: blonde hair, ever-changing eyes, sometimes blue, sometimes hazel, a dog named Jack and a very old cat, one of my very best friends. If you didn't already guess (or know) then yes, it is Nick. God, I wish I had some pictures of him! He's gorgeous- well I can't talk, I guess, being his *girlfriend!* He's so freaking amazing. I could talk to him for hours and IM him all day long. Sadly Science has to end... but I think we'll be seeing a lot more of each other, which seriously brightens up my day. This song is me:
Miss Independant-Kelly Clarkson
(Verse 1)
Miss independent
Miss self-sufficient
Miss keep your distance, mmmm
Miss unafraid
Miss out of my way
Miss don't let a man interfere, no
Miss on her own
Miss almost grown
Miss never let a man help her off her throne
So, by keeping her heart protected
She'll never, ever feel rejected
Little miss apprehensive
Said ooh, she fell in love
(Chorus)
What is this feeling taking over?
Thinking no one could open the door
Surprise, it's time, to feel what's real
What happened to miss independent's no longer need to be defensive?
Goodbye, old you, when love, is true
(Verse 2) Misguided heart
Miss play it smart
Miss if you wanna use that line, you better not start, no
But she miscalculated
She didn't wanna end up jaded
And this miss decided not to miss out on true love
So, by changing a misconception
She went in a new direction
And found inside, she felt a connection
She fell in love
(Chorus)
What is this feeling taking over?
Thinking no one could open the door
Surprise, it's time, to feel what's real
What happened to miss independent's no longer need to be defensive?
Goodbye, old you, when love, is true (when love, is true)
(Bridge) When miss independent walked away
No time for love that came her way
She looked in the mirror and thought today
What happened to miss no longer afraid?
It took some time for her to see
How beautiful love could truly be
No more talk of why can't that be me
I'm so glad I've finally seen
(Chorus)
What is this feeling taking over?
Thinking no one could open the door
Surprise, it's time, to feel what's real
What happened to miss independent's no longer need to be defensive?
Goodbye, old you, when love, is true (when love, is true)
Miss independent
This song is Nick: It's my life by Bon Jovi
This ain't a song for the broken-hearted
No silent prayer for the faith-departed
I ain't gonna be just a face in the crowd
You're gonna hear my voice
When I shout it out loud
Chorus: It's my life
It's now or never
I ain't gonna live forever
I just want to live while I'm alive (It's my life)
My heart is like an open highway
Like Frankie said I did it my way
I just wanna live while I'm alive
It's my life
This is for the ones who stood their ground
For Tommy and Gina who never backed down
Tomorrow's getting harder make no mistake
Luck ain't even lucky
Got to make your own breaks
Chorus:
It's my life
And it's now or never
I ain't gonna live forever
I just want to live while I'm alive (It's my life)
My heart is like an open highway
Like Frankie said I did it my way
I just want to live while I'm alive '
Cause it's my life
Better stand tall when they're calling you out
Don't bend, don't break, baby, don't back down
Chorus:
It's my life
And it's now or never
'Cause I ain't gonna live forever
I just want to live while I'm alive (It's my life)
My heart is like an open highway
Like Frankie said I did it my way
I just want to live while I'm alive
Chorus:
It's my life And it's now or never
'Cause I ain't gonna live forever
I just want to live while I'm alive (It's my life)
My heart is like an open highway
Like Frankie said I did it my way
I just want to live while I'm alive
'Cause it's my life!
And I got in the way of that. He really chills out when he's around me though. And just in case I havn't bored you enough with lyrics, here's the song that describes *us* (for me, anyway):
You- Evanescence
The words have been drained from this pencil
Sweet words that I want to give you
And I can't sleep
I need to tell you
Goodnight
When we're together, I feel perfect
When I'm pulled away from you, I fall apart
All you say is sacred to me
Your eyes are so blue I can't look away
As we lay in the stillness
You whisper to me
Amy, marry me
Promise you'll stay with me
Oh you don't have to ask me
You know you're all that I live for
You know I'd die just to hold you
Stay with you
Somehow I'll show you
That you are my night sky
I've always been right behind you
Now I'll always be right beside you
So many nights I cried myself to sleep
Now that you love me, I love myself
I never thought I would say this
I never thought there'd be
You
My personal favorite out of all the Evanescence songs. It's beautiful, it's deep, it's sweet, and it almost made me cry. I feel the same way- and I hope he does too.

I am being driven insane!!!!!!!!!!!!

2009-02-18T18:01:00.004-05:00

"Josh1 You're breathing really loudly!"
"Like I can help it!"
"You're so annoying!"
"Yeah roght."
"See? That's why you're annoying. Just go down the stairs already!"
"I'm going, I'm going!"
"Come on!"
"You're so annoying!"
"No I'm not!"
"You breathe so loudly!"
"Grace! Shut up!"
"Josh come ON!"
My little brother and sister are driving me crazy. Crazy, and not crazy in love. Crazily annoyed. I gotta go, I'm getting unsettled like I always do with bickering. I need a bubble bath...

Stupid Valentine's day...

2009-02-14T12:07:00.004-05:00

So it's Valentine's day! Wahoo! And guess where I am? Sitting at home, listening to my little brother and sister bicker on the floor. I've only thought about Nick once today... because I haven't stopped thinking about him since yesterday. I even dreamed about him again last night. I was sitting on a park bench, staring at a lake. Stars shone in the sky, reflected in the lake. I sighed, lonley. I picked up my notebook and got up, when I dropped my pencil. "Crap." I said, bending down to get it. Then a very familliar voice reached my ears. "I got it." He says, picking it up swiftly. I slowly stand up, taking in every inch of him. He wore black jeans and a black t-shirt, which was exactly what I was wearing. As my eyes met him I knew it was Nick. Then my alam went off (which I forgot to turn off) and I got all pissed off even though I love the song misery. So here I am, being annoyed by my chess-playing brother and my singing sister. They're both so LOUD! I'm getting a huge headache... did you know that Valentine's day has the highest suicide rates out of any other day of the year? I wonder why. It's a day to mock heartbroken single people who are going to be all alone while their friends and family go out on dates are go on romantic trips, leaving me to think of Nick for the entire day. I miss him so much... It's freaking pathetic...

Love freaking SUCKS.

2009-02-05T20:06:00.004-05:00

Love sucks! I hate it so much! I hate life... sometimes I wish I could just die... But I can't talk too much about it, you'll think I'm suicidal, which I'm not. Did you know that in every middle school classroom there are two people, normally teenage girls, who hurt themselves? It's an addiction, like smoking or texting. You get one taste of it and you never want to let it go. You feel emotional pain and cutting is the only way to reduce the hurt you feel. If someone looks depressed, comfort them! If they look like they're about to burst into tears, ask them what's wrong. You could potentially save a life. I need to say something very very very VERY important but I can't say it on my blog that anyone can read- I need to talk to someone not judgmental who won't hate me. Someone who feels similar pain on a daily base-someone who will understand and won't think I'm emo. I'm not emo. I'm a goth lover with a broken heart- all I've ever wanted is someone who loves me for who I am, someone who will accept me. If I tell him something REALLY big like what's choking me right now he won't look horrified and run away- he'll smile sadly, tell me everything will be okay, that he's here for me, that he's loved me forever... my imaginative romantic fantasies...

Missin' you

2009-01-25T13:08:00.003-05:00

I feel like writing poetry. So write poetry I shall!

Eyes of hazel

The murky depths of a lake

The empty vastness of a cloudless sky

And the brown of the earth we live on

Streching out forever in front of me

Hair of gold

Shining in the sun

Silky smooth beneath my fingers

Spun by an angel

Fingers like mine

Running through my hair

My heart beats faster

The thrumming of a hummingbird

As you speak my name

The words chilling my spine.

You smile

The world lighting up in front of me

The window to the world I never knew

I've found my place

A place where I belong

You're my

Night sky

I've always been behind you

Catching you as you fall

Steading myself in your shadow

When I see you

It's like my pain is washed away

I wish I could be right beside you

To be the light in your eyes

Your heart open to my love

To be your dream

All that I'd ever need

Is your hand through mine

Your arms wrapped around my waist

You and me

That's how it should be

Us forever

Not falling to what we wish we weren't

Into your heart

Can we ever be

Killing our pain together

Rocking out together

Always laughing, the light in your hazel eyes

Cooly talking about stupid things

Hearts beating faster

Another sappy poem

Every waking moment makes me think of you

Love, forever and always, love.

Yeah, it's ridicuolsly sappy. I'm in love. So sue me. And I also miss him!

Paranormality is my normality! Normalness is SOOOOOOOO overrated.

2009-01-24T19:59:00.004-05:00

Hello loyal bloggies! A few nights ago I was reasearching sleepwalking (I'm a good little student, aren't I?) Apparently sleepwalking is coused by stress as is half my problems, like my pestulant congregation of bone-chilling, haunting night terrors. I used to sit bolt upright, sweating and screaming like a beheaded horseman was riding his horse in my room. Now instead of waking I have incredibly vivid nightmares and wander around my room- I lock my doors and windows, thowing my nail clippers and anything sharp out of the room. Yet, still I ended up with a wide, deep cut in my leg. I don't know what caused it! I can only assume it was my fingernails. I'll DEFINATLY cut them tonight. I also have another cut on my arm- small.
This is bumming me out. That could be because I'm watching Hamlet.
Hey! A website lerned me how to read palms.
There are four major lines: The heart line, the head line, the life line, and the fate line. The heart line is the one closest to the fingers, the head line below it. The life line is closest to your thumb, and the fate line shoots straight through the head and heart line. The heart line, shockingly, depicts your love life. Your head line portrays the smartness of everything. The life line tells you how you are physically, as opposed to the emotional heart line. The fate line tells you how much of your life is controlled by fate- from everything to al lot, like me, to almost not at all. The shape of your hand says a lot about you.
Earth - broad, square palms and fingers, thick or coarse skin, and ruddy color; length of the palm equals length of fingers
Air - square or rectangular palms with long fingers and sometimes protruding knuckles, low-set thumbs, and dry skin; length of the palm less than length of fingers
Water - long, sometimes oval-shaped palm, with long, flexible, conical fingers; length of the palm equals length of fingers but is less than width across the widest part of the palm (ME!)
Fire - square or rectangular palm, flushed or pink skin, and shorter fingers; length of the palm greater than length of fingers

I'll never be like you want me to. I'm not like that. You, of all people, should know that, dad.

2009-01-23T12:13:00.002-05:00

This post is a tribute to my dad. If you haven't seen the title, you might say, oh, that's so sweet!
Really, don't. It's not.
I don't mean to complain or whine. It's just that this is the only way I can really get this off my chest.
His girlfriend. I have a HUGE problem with her. It seems as if the only way he's happy is if he lets his daughter down. I thought he'd see her for what se really is instead of the mask she puts on, hiding her from him. I've always been able to tell what people are like- I get this chill-like thing running down my spine when I don't trust them and they don't deserve to have the trust of anyone. If they're genuinely good people, I feel warm and fuzzy. That's like my mom's new boyfriend, Joel. He rocks. But my mom's ex Tommy I felt an automatic instinctual warning telling me not to trust him.
Guess what? I was right. He read my mom's email! It sounds really minor, but me and mom think he's done a lot more than that. Same thing with her other ex Moose- he was okay, but I still felt a little wary around him. I thought then that it was just because he and my mom were sharing a bedroom, if you know what I mean. He left her and stomped on her heart.
Now, with my dad's girlfriend, I feel that chill whenever I look into her cold brown eyes. I'm getting a chill just thinking about her freezing eyes, even out here on my porch in the unseasonably nice weather! She's trying to change who I am. She offered to redo my dad's room which has very recently become mine, and she came back from Target (Target! I'm a Hot Topic chick-not Target!) with a pink beanbag chair, a pink fuzzy blanket, a pink shag rug (This isn't the 70s, bitch!) and a whole bunch of crap I haven't touched since I hauled them into my room. That's not me. Me is black wallpaper, drawn curtains, black rugs, black, red and purple are my favorite colors. I've ALWAYS hated pink. I've never been a frilly, girlie girl. I've lied to myself, told myself I was just like all the other kids. Bottom line is, I'm not. I'm ME, not Brenda or Ray or Nick or Mallory or anyone else- I'm me. (no offence to anyone on the list, of course, except possibly Brenda) I'm Goth flute/guitar/bass/drums/piano/singer player with a crush on her best guy friend, pale sapphire blue eyes, curly blond hair and some emoness that's almost gone now who sleepwalks and has nightmares/terrors. She wants me to be her. I'm not. I'll never be like how she wants me to be. We're polar opposites and that's just how it is. In our house there's only a few ways things go- The Sloan and Dad way, and the Grace and Josh way. I'm the odd woman out- I've always been. Normally I'll slap on a fake smile and do whatever they want me to, but after they go to sleep, I wrap my knees to my chest, wrapping my arms around my legs, letting myself cry out all the frustration, anger and sadness. When I was younger I did cut-once. I felt so upset, so angry at no one but myself. The scar still lies on the inside of my wrist, a constant reminder of who I was and why I was that way... why I have to hide my face. She tries to tell me to speak up. I can't. I'm physically incapable of doing so. I just can't. She down her nose a me as I yank sweater sleeves over that deep scar. The mark of my life- how alive I was once, and how I'm begining to learn to live again. I'll never be the goofy kid I once was-she died the day everyone forgot I was alive.
That's all for today. I'm crying so hard that I can hardly see the computer screen. It's like, writing this, opening that scar again.

Sleepwalking? I don't know. Maybe. Whatever, it's still weird.

2009-01-22T12:01:00.001-05:00

Okay, as you can probably tell from the title, everything is not right in paradise. Nick might like me =D but yesterday I woke up and there was a small nick on my wrist. I didn't think much of it, because it obviously didn't bleed much if at all, so all it did was sting a little. And with my brother being who he is and me being as clumsy as I usually am, I've had way worse pain, not to mention the mental pain caused by me sometimes, and the constand drama always happening in my life- I'm getting so off topic! Whatever. That's what *my* blog is about. And I can say whatever the hell I want! So, anyway, the weird thing is that this morning I woke up and there was another nick in the same place, the same size, exept it was on my other wrist. It's freaky! Maybe... no, it couldn't be my bed, I was at my mom's two nights ago and I was at my dad's last night... the only explanation I can come up with is that something is very very wrong in my life and only my subconsiousness has recognized it, while my consiousness doesn't see it. Either that or it's really terrible and it was in my consiosness but my mind has blocked it because it was extremely painful... now that I say that, I can't remember anything that happened when I was walking home. I don't know what it is, and until I can look it up on wrongdiagnosis.com I'm drawing the conclusion that I'm sleep walking... or is it sleepwalking? The first one looks better. So, anyway, my conclusion is that I "get up" around two in the morning when everyone is asleep, even Josh- and walk into the bathroom where, shockingly, there are razors. And, still asleep, I just put a small mark on my wrist. Not enough for people to notice when I wave to them, but enough to sting when I wake up and so I can see it. Tonight, I'm locking the doors to my room and get anything sharp out! I have been rather stressed latley, but I thought that was just from all the tests and stuff. Is it really something worse? I don't think it's either of my parents' signifiacnt others, but Sloan really pisses me off sometimes. Joel is totally cool, though. He's a gentleman, like Nick when we're in Science class together in our assigned seats right next t0 each other. I ran into some AWESOME karma this week! Damn. Whatever. Okay, Tuesday night... what happened during the day? The inauguration- I'm pretty damn sure it has nothing to do with Obama. Oh, that was also the day I found out Nick liked me and the day I read the part of Dracula where Jonathan (the idiot) climbs up into Dracula's room, pries open the coffin, and sees him lying there, simply engorged with blood. It sounded a lot more horrible when Bram Stoker wrote it- trust me! So I don't know what the hell it is, whether it's one of the above or something else entirely, but it's freaking scary! Oh, have I mentioned that my dad's house is haunted? That's why his cat was so bitchy and I can't sleep and sometimes I hear the voice of someone sadder than me flowing through my ears. But Polly- that's her name, it's carved into the wall of the basement- isn't like The Poltergeist or something, she's like the ghosts in Beetleguice (I'm sure I spelled that wrong) and at times I'll feel something cold on my cheek. I know she's there. And if I sound childish for beleiving in ghosts, too bad. I do, and I have proof. Whnever I leave something on my desk- music, papers, whatever- I'll go get something to eat or something and I'll come back and they'll be gone! I'll scrounge around on the floor, totally confused, step on an earring, which I did, and that hurt like HELL, and I'll look back on my desk and there's whatever I was missing, just where I put it before I left! It's freaky! And it doesn't help that I'm ghostly pale myself (for the most part, unless someone says something that makes me blush, which isn't hard. Just mention Nick and my heart will speed up and I'll probably blush) and I sort of have that ghostly aura. Pale sapphire eyes, long eyelashes, sholder-length blonde hair falling in front of my eyes, kinda promeninent cheekbones, and the boniest chest a girl could possibly have. (I just mean my ribs. My *cough* chest is average-sized, I guess. Maybe a little bigger.)

Yeah. Like I said earlier, my blog is all about the random!

All you'd ever need is love... and a Ferrari... and...and...and...

2009-01-20T17:47:00.001-05:00

This is one of the happiest days of my sucky life! Aaron finally asked Nick how he felt, and guess what he said? Oh my God, he said that he really did like me! OH MY GOD!!! I feel as light as a little butterfly, flying like butter in the breeze...

RACHAEL AND NICK 4EVA!

That's all. I have to e-mail someone. Sorry for how short this is.

One more thing:PRESIDENT OBAMA!!!!!!!!

When you live forever...

2009-01-19T17:46:00.002-05:00

It would suck to live forever. I mean, like, you'd never die but everyone you love does. You'd have to watch, helpless, as your lover/best friend is sprawled out in front of you, shaking as his/her last breath runs through their veins. And then if it was your lover, you would feel the icy hands of pain stab your heart, stabbing it with its iron dagger of self-hatred... whatever, I'm bumming myself out. As I'm writing this, that 70's show is on in the background. I think I relate most to Donna- in love with a guy who she's had a crush on since forever, single parent with a strange outlook of life, and is a young outspoken feminist, and hopefully my longtime friendship with a certain friend will evolve into a really amazing relationship. I like hanging out with guys, too. I'd say Nick is Eric because he does sometimes try to impress me, the blonde next door. And his mom is totally cool, but his dad is waaaay cooler than Red. And he is a little nerdy... but then again, I And our little clique is held together by him... someday we will be together. If I have anything to do with it. Well- ooooooh my god, I think it's actually snowing outside!!!!!

Anyway, I was going to say, I hate it when best friends fight. It totally sucks because you two are so simalar, the only think you could possibly be fighting about is a guy, like me and one of my best friends. She has a crush on my ex boyfriend who totally broke my heart so she agreed with me after she met him that he's a total jerk. So she set her sights on Nick. I got so mad... so now she won't talk to me and I refuse to speak to her. So, best friends shouldn't fight over guys. It's totally dumb! If you're fighting over something important, that's different, but over a guy? Seriously! Your friends are more important than guys- who else would tell you he's a total looser for dumping you, that he doesn't know what he's missing, and there are just certain things you tell your friends and not your boyfriend. There are a LOT of things that ou don't want to tell him and that his hopless innocence would have a hard time grasping.

Of corse, when the guy is your friend (me) than it is a little different... and you two are a perfect match for each other... this is me! I'm FINAALLY livin my dream!

Guys are plane crashes waiting to happen. Nod. (Sorry guys! But tell me it's not true. Tell me.)

2009-01-15T17:35:00.000-05:00

Isn't this a kick-ass drawing? It took me forever.
Not to offend any guys, but from the ones I know they are two totally different people! The guy around you- the sweet, intelligent, funny, understanding guy for me, different for other people, I guess- And you totally know who I'm talking about! Anyway, he's totally different around his friends. He'll laugh at perverted jokes- about me! He'll totally be a whole different person! But there are traces of his sweetness when we're at lunch. We'll be talking and looking at the same person, and once he/me finishes, we'd look away and he'd be staring at me and I'll meet his eyes for about a second- a heart fluttering second- and then he'd look away, blushing. God, he's amazing! But today we barley even talked. It made Rachael sad. =,( Well, whatever.
LOVE SUCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
That is all. Go back to living your relatively normal lives. Have fun. God, there was something else I wanted to say... dammit, I can't remember!!!! Whatever. If I remember I'll just edit the post.
Oh! Oh! I remember something totally random! We're making a blog in English out of our poetry. I'll give you the URL.
Holy... crap. Do you know what's on the news right now? Probably not. It's a plane crash.
A freakin' plane crash.
Dude, I have to check this crap out. Dude... check out this freaking picture... scary...
Yes. I just now figured out how to put in pics.
Well, 'night.

New Year!

2009-01-01T21:03:00.001-05:00

Yay! Happy new year! Woo hoo! Here's my resolutions:

Stop being so silent and in the shadows. If I care enough to post routinely on a blog, I must care a little bit about letting people know my feelings.
Get a boyfriend. I don't want to sound desperate, but I don't want just any boy to be my boyfriend. I want someone sweet, caring, funny, a good listener but also empathetic and willing to talk because you know me, little miss Rachael who? and he has to be down-to-earth (unlike dreamy me) so a Cancer would be perfect for this Virgo. And he also has to know me well enough to know what not to say.
loose ten pounds. You might not think I need it, but I'm actually a good bit heavier than the slim, supposedly anorexic chick people think I am.
Prove to people I'm a lot more than the slim, supposedly anorexic blonde chick who always fails math and has fallen for her best friend and can't do anything but make guys fall in love with her.

I had this really weird dream last night. It was like a co-ed sleep-away summer camp where we rode dirt bikes and motorcycles and there were hardly any counselors. So I was there and there were four guys. One was Nick (shockingly, he's in a good bit of my dreams) and there was a pair of twins with dark hair, almond-shaped hazel eyes, and full lips. And the last guy in my dream was their older brother Cliff. I don't know where his name came from. So I immediately started unpacking when Nick walked by and slapped me a high-five. Then one of the twins walked by. He blushed as he looked at me, murmuring something. He took my hand and kissed it. Blinking at this unusual move, I looked into his eyes. Light danced with darkness, the moon and the sun as one. It was amazing. (When I woke I realized that they were Nick's eyes. God.) He kissed me tenderly on my lips. I blinked and he was gone. At this point I honestly didn't know there was twins. Cliff wanted nothing to do with me. so the other twin, with the same eyes, came and kissed me the same. I opened my eyes, still confused. Later, we were zip-lining. Somehow I still didn't see one of the twins. So we got to the end of the zip-line, and I was laughing with adrenaline-filled happiness. He took a lock of my hair and put it around my ear. His eyes were a labyrinth of lust and confusion. He kissed me again, more passionately. Then Nick came and his eyes were a heart-wrenching pain.

Then I woke.

So, how was your New Year?

it's the most cough wonderful time of the sneeze year

2008-12-30T12:44:00.000-05:00

It seems like I've been riding a very adrenaline-pumped, slightly scary emotional roller coaster lately. You know, I think this is more of a thing where I'm really bored and have nothing to do but go through memories that I might not like so much and ones that I keep close to my heart. I was really bored yesterday so I stared surfing the Web on my new iPod and found out that love is the mutual feeling of respect and friendship between two people. Well what about me? We all know I love Nick, but can I call it love? I don't know of it's mutual or not! We're very tentatively holding on to our "just friends" relationship. And trust me, that last thing I want is our friendship ruined. He's an awesome guy (to me) and he's really sweet (to me) and he's really funny (to me) an I was also surfing and looked on wikiHow to see the ways you can tell if a guy is interested in you. And to be honest, Nick met most of the criteria thing except for the teasing thing because he knows how much I hate that. (He knows me so well!) God, I wish I could be the girl I was.
Sadly, she grew up. Back then I was fine being just friends with him. I would never have noticed that little flip my heart did as soon as I saw him (that's called frission, children) and the blush that heated my face. Then I had to ruin it by falling in love with him when I drove away from elementary school on the last day of fifth grade. Then everybody found out in sixth grade (thanks a lot, DJ) and he found out something big that I don't want to mention here, but I'll tell you that it makes my atonement to him very, very large. Sigh. Oh, when I was on WikiHow I saw this article on how to be irresistible to anyone. Here's the secret: You have to think lusty thoughts, and make it sow in your eyes. Turn your eyes to someone and they will fall for you in a snap! Just practice it though, and make sure you don't look pschcotic. I did it and I looked like I belonged in a mental hospital, so yeah. PRACTICE IS KEY. Keep alluring people!
XOXO and holiday resentments,
Rachael

He's the reason for the teardrops on my guitar

2008-12-28T21:54:00.000-05:00

Every night
Coming together
Sleepless eyes
Heartbreaking sobs
When will you find me
Calling your name
Trying to find who I really love
Is it you? Or you? Or him?
My life is falling apart it seems
God! I don't have my "inspiration" with me so all my songs SUCK. Like "save me!" *bangs head against laptop* I'm so freaking wrecked without him. I'm totally messed up. I can't write, I cant think- as clearly marked by this crappy post- but I really missed him today. I want to talk to him. I find his mind intreguing. I think we'd be a great couple because we're already friends and we have SO MUCH in common and we look good together because we're both so short and blonde and I have blue eyes and he has blue, brown and green eyes and we both like the same movies and foods and stuff... God, I must sound seriously desparate. I hope someday I'll be seriously famous and he'll be trying to get my attention when I'm signing books at Borders and I'll be like, "Oh, do I know you? Oh right, you're my best guy friend who I fell in love with and you broke my heart and changed me forever! did I mention I'm getting married to (insert name of fioncee here) in July? July 17th!" I just wish I could know how he felt about me, too. That would make my life sooooo much eaisier! Last year the other Nick told me that Nick loved me too. I remember that day.
Math class, where we were doing projects, Nick kept asking to borrow my stuff which got really annoying, so I refused and he said, "If you give me it I'll tell you something about Nick." So I hastily threw it at him when I flushed and asked, "This isn't somehing gross, is it?" I asked hesitantly. He smiled at me and said, "Nick likes you. He likes you a lot." He said, looking me in the eye. My eyes opened wide, I blushed, and those two sentances kept running around in my head. The smartest thing that came to my mind was, "Hedi said so." I said. There was no doubt in my voice that I was estatically happy.
Daneel also said that if "Nick and you ever get married" and I blushed a lot right then, my cheeks on fire, like, a lot, and he continued, "and have a kid" and I blushed even more, "Will you make me your godfather?" Yeah, like that'll happen. But I said sure, anyway. I won't say that I wish all the above were true, I just want to take it one step at a time. Now I'm focusing on making him my boyfriend, and that's enough of an ordeal that I can't think of the future without lots of doubts. How can I be sure of anything with him? It seems like we're drifting apart as friends. I really need to save both my delecate sanity and my friendship with one of my best friends! He's really sweet though. He's a gentleman (when it's just us in Science. Like most guys, he's totally different when he's around his friends. Why do guys DO that? It's driving me insane!)
Well, I think I'm mostly there due to the fact that I miss him and love him but he's driving me CRAZY! Okay, I tend to forget this crap when I'm hanging out with him. He seems to wash away all my troubles with calm, clensing words. Even when he doesn't know what's wrong... how sweet is he? I love him! God! What is WRONG with me? I gotta go straighten out my messed-up head. bye, my fathful readers. Sorry for dragging you into my depressing love life.

The calm after the storm... wait wasn't the calm supposed to be before the stom? Uh oh.

2008-12-27T14:55:00.000-05:00

Yeah. So, how did you guys do for the holidays you celebrate? I got a new iPod touch. Good gift for me. I heart the Internet (God did that sound nerdy!) but mostly because I can listen to music for free on YouTube all I want. Well, until my dad finds out. But I have both my Touch and my new laptop (on which this very post is being written) so yes, technology is something I have profusely,but It HATES me. Seriously. I was trying to program my Touch to the Wi-Fi network at my dad's house but it wouldn't work even though eventually I did get it. The connection's still maddeningly slow, though. Whatever. You know, at first glance or even if you know me a little bit from Math class you would think that I'm "just a dumb blonde." But I'm not. I'm actually smart. I have a 120 or something IQ which is way better than the average American IQ of 98. And I'm just a kid, alibit an artistic one, so come ON America! We're supposed to be the dream country, the one that all the other countries envy (no offense) not the fat country that sits around drinking beer and sitting on his/her couch all day, a figure scarily familiar to a certain fat, balding cartoon on Fox that I know and love. *cough* Homer Simpson *cough*. All the artists, the musicians, the mathematicians (sp?), the scientists, the historians, the writers, and anyone else who is just smart, we need to be in the majority and make America smarter again so we really can be "Sic Semper Tyrannous" not to quote the guy who killed Abraham Lincoln but to show that we really can end tyranny, God forbid it should arise in this great country, instead of "Hey, get outta my way or I'll sit on you! I'm to lazy and fat to get up off my butt and DO something!" Seriously, who is THAT going to scare? We need to come together as a country. Just by bonding with your family or taking a little bit of time away from your TV (and I know this will sound highly hypocritical) or stop blogging about what we should do and actually DO it. Seriously, our soldiers aren't off in Iraq, away from their families over the Holidays and the New Year, instead of opening presents with family and friends, just to let us sit here. Those soldiers are so brave... If I wasn't such a huge consciousness objector I'd so sign up when I turned eighteen.think of something that needs improvement, in you, in your family, in your community, or even in the world, and try to do something about it. I hope I inspired you. Sorry if I was sort of borderline nagging. My cousin died in Iraq and I'm still *cough* slightly sensitive about that kind of thing. So, anyway, enjoy your holidays and be happy and healthy unlike me, stuck in hellish boringitude like always. Sigh. Oh crap, my brother's playing Halo 3 again and the gunshot noises are giving me a headache. Not that I don't like video games. I do. I'm just a pacifist and this game is sickeningly violent. Gotta go.

Christmas,baby, Christmas!

2008-12-24T16:16:00.002-05:00

Yeah! Christmas at last! I love Christmas, though Halloween is my favorite holiday. Oh, by the way, happy late birthday Ray! I was in Pennsylvania latly for an annual party. I wasn't estatic. I would much rather be sleeping. I got a laptop. A very good gift for me. Now I can post more often. ;) Anyway, I have to go. Have a verry merry Christmas! Happy Holidays!

Family

2008-12-12T18:04:00.000-05:00

Okay, I know everybody thinks their family is screwed up, but I so know mine's... a little, "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" with my sister, with her high-pitched voice screaming in my ears. She is such a poser, stealing stuff from me and my brother, motives, purposes, styles... she stole my Goth look, my favorite music tastes, and of course, my passion- writing and music.
My mom is cool- she's childlike. Her mind is very in sync with mine. We think the same. We're both writers.
My dad is... overprotective to say the least and totally psychotically control freaky to be slightly mean. He's been lying to me my whole life, breking my heart as I grew and realized all he had done to hurt me. Actually, I guess that's helpful to anyone who likes me, because who could break my heart when it's already so hurt?
My brother is the worst. He does so many things just to annoy me! One of my pet peeves is people standing over my shoulder, reading my writing. This annoys me in several ways, because he is a mouth breather and is breathing right in my ear. Sometimes he's eating and chews RIGHT IN MY EAR! He's a noisy boy. He also broke my guitar! My awesome, ass-kicking guitar!
On a totally different note, I wanted to say, respect what you have because you can loose everything in a second, and nothing is free. Especially love- you can loose everything just by falling.
So, have an awesome weekend!
-love, Rachael

I hate getting sick...

2008-12-11T18:14:00.001-05:00

Bleh. I hate sicknesses... my throat is still a little sore, my head still hurts a little, my nose is still stuffed up, and I have about a 98.9 fever. Sadly not enough to get me out of school. But I did get to get out of school Monday and Tuesday. I really missed everyone, and especially the people who were still sick. One person stands out in particular- guess who- and he's still out. I hope he's not sick. I had like no one to sit next to during our movie in band class.

Oh, we had a performance last night! We rocked. We were... huge. Seventy people on one stage that wasn't that big. I almost fell off... a couple times... But it was totally worth it. It was sorta funny, cause after I finished playing we left and went to Coldstone. I was still in my concert clothes, my fancy ruffled tight skirt ad white t shirt.

Well., my bratty evil little brother-yes Josh, if you are reading this over my shoulder- is being really annoying and now I have to go but I'll try to post again later.

Bye.

The end of the world

2008-12-06T16:08:00.000-05:00

Terrifying topic, I know. It scares even me. I was slightly freaked out.

Violent earthquakes, global disasters, record-breaking tsunamis, global warming...

I don't want the world to end.

But it doesn't have to, right? We've been predicting that it would end since forever. But still, it made me think- if some people say that the world will die in 2012, then I would love to do so many things. I will do them ASAP- I don't want to ruin my life.

First I will ask Nick out. We'll see what happens with that. I'll write on Wednesday, telling you everything about it.

Second, I will finish a book. As you can tell, I am quite a writer. But I can never finish my novels... I get to page 165 and I just give up. I don't know why... maybe I expect to much of myself.

But when I die, I won't just lie down and say, "Okay, the end's coming and I won't do a damn thing about it." I'm gonna fight. I won't go down meekly. I will stand up and look Death in the eye.

I will never surrender, even if the fiery tendrils of hell rise up and swallow up my body, I will never stop trying to make a difference, even if resistance is futile.

I will hold Nick's hand, and as his fingers shake in mine, I will stand by him, because my life isn't about me anymore. It's like my life revolves around him now, and I'm just a sideshow on the way to the main attraction.

And Nick, if you're reading this, sorry for bringing you up in 7/8 posts. (nerds, you can probably figure out the percentage of that, but I really don't care)

Nick, you are my all, and I'm sorry if I've ever hurt you. I will never do it again. And one more thing- I love you.

Field of Innocence

2008-12-06T11:49:00.001-05:00

"Field Of Innocence"

I still remember the world
From the eyes of a child
Slowly those feelings
Were clouded by what I know now

Where has my heart gone
An uneven trade for the real world
Oh I... I want to go back to
Believing in everything and knowing nothing at all

I still remember the sun
Always warm on my back
Somehow it seems colder now

Where has my heart gone
Trapped in the eyes of a stranger
Oh I... I want to go back to
Believing in everything

[Latin hymn:]
Iesu, Rex admirabilis
Et triumphator nobilis,
Dulcedo ineffabilis,
Totus desiderabilis.

Where has my heart gone
An uneven trade for the real world
Oh I... I want to go back to
Believing in everything
Oh, Where

Where has my heart gone
Trapped in the eyes of a stranger
Oh I... I want to go back to
Believing in everything

I still remember.

-by Evanescence

This is so true- I miss being young, seeing everything as innocence, everything simple, love not yet discovered, yet believing in all those stupid fairy tales... then growing up, facing my fears, seeing all I thought I knew die in front of my eyes. Now I realize that I knew absolutely nothing. I don't want to live in the real world... I miss living in my fantasies, while shadows danced across my mind... little did I know that the sun was a lie and the shadows I never looked at were the harsh truth, and no one would listen to me but I didn't care then. Listening to everything my parents said, believing every word.

Now I know it was all a lie, and I cry myself to sleep.

The sun is like an endless freezer, not the warmth I used to know. It seems so cold...

I still remember not having a care in the world, not having to be in love, never having to do anything.

I will never forget that. I can't run from the truth anymore. I fell, and it overtook me.

I wish I could be six again.

I'm done with lying, and I'm sorry for hurting everyone I love with my overpowering mania to lie.

No more. Never again. I will never lie gain.

Christmas performance

2008-12-05T20:48:00.001-05:00

What is it, like -6 degrees out? God, my fingers are numb.

So we had this performance-outside, of corse- for half an hour, my frozen fingers flew over my freezing silver flute, my lips almost sticking to the expensive mouthpiece. And when I ripped my flute away from my shivering mouth, the beautiful notes quivering in the freezing dark air. My friends sat beside me, our fingers matching the temperature of our flutes. But it was totally worth it, because at the end of every song, I could always look behind me and see Nick's shivering but still beautiful face shining, and it's like a small fire erupted in my chest, burning up my cheeks. We played, we played well, and we shivered while playing. My dad and my siblings weren't even there- we've only been working our butts off for the past three months!- so they were all, "You were great, Rachael! We were back in the trombone section, so that's why you couldn't see us."

Yeah. Dad's only lied to me since I was born. The truth is, he doesn't give a damn about my future writing/ musical career. I had to get my mom to by the thousand-dollar, beautiful, nickel-colored, open-holed, amazing, terrific-sounding flute. He hasn't even payed for one lesson.

Screw it.

I am an amazing artist, and I don't give a DAMN what he says, I love Nick.

Yeah.

I do.

I love him.

Don't tell him. We're friends and it's starting to be more normal between us. All I want is for him to love me-whether it's between friends or as lovers. I'm fine with being his friend- all I want is for him to be happy.

So, happy Christmas, Merry Hanukkah, Awesome Kwanzaa, or any other holiday you're celebrating, have an awesome one.

-love, Rachael

Suckiest day EVER

2008-12-05T16:12:00.000-05:00

Yes, suckiest day ever. EVERYTHING SUCKS!!! What is the POINT!? I know it's like live and learn, blah blah blah, but like I've been through SO MUCH. I REALLY have to vent, so just listen. Or x out and have fun with your true love! That's what I'd do... but wait. I don't HAVE one.

So I found out yesterday that my cousin DIED in Iraq. She looked exactly like me, but with brown hair instead of blond. She and I were tight.

Now she's dead.

I was running late to school, and I have asthma, so my dad made me RUN the whole mile to school- and it's halfway uphill- and I got there in time, but I was the last one there. (Heh. you should see all the guys when they hear me walk in the door. Their eyes get wide and some of them blush or clear their throats)

So I have to listen to the mindless chatter of my fellow students during homeroom, when I would so rather talk about ideas but all they care about is people. It's BORING.

Heath- need I say more? Easily the most boring class EVER, I have to stay awake for 45 minutes while my teacher drones on and on and ON about violence and why it's bad and I'm thinking, Chinese water torture has to be better than this.

So finally the bell rings, I run upstairs to Civics, and have to listen to my teacher talk about "important documents." No offense to my teacher, but the class is SO boring.

So I scamper out of her room after the bell gives a faint noise, and go to my second- least-favorite class: Math.

Shudder.

We had a test. About something I wouldn't get in sixty years.

And I REALLY don't want to dwell on that. Lunch was okay, I sat next to Nick, didn't eat as usual, finished some homework, wrote, flirted, and left to my favorite and scariest class- English.

My teacher gets p.o.'d real easy, so she was yelling at us after we were talking sorta loud. And we had be quiet for the rest of the period. Like that'll ever happen. So Aaron- the guy who sits next to me, who loves me but I don't love him *ahem* offends me deeply by my cousin. The dead one. So I stonewalled him, and when I was forced to socialize, I was as cold as ice. (just like my hands)

Science. Loud, because no body will shut up. On the plus side, I sit next to Nick, and sometimes I have to point out things in his textbook, normally laying in his lap. but we were talking about depression and schizophrenia, which I have both. So it was sorta embarrassing. So we had to draw. I SUCK at drawing.

But the worst part was after Science. I have a locker on the top, someone below me, someone next to me, and someone under him. So it's totally understandable that I left something in the hallway. So I run over to band, which is on the other side of the school, and realize I don't have my music. I run over to my locker, only to hear from the guy who has the locker beneath mine to say that my Civics teacher just picked it up. So, yeah, I was mad, and I walked in to her room, teeth clenched, and asked for my folder as calmly and as quickly as possible, and then I had to RUN back to band and I was this close to being late. I have asthma, and what p.o.'d me was that I asked my Civics teacher for a pass, and she's all "that's not my responsibility." Even though she- as well as my other teachers- know about my breathing problem. And she also knew I had half a minute left, to run to band, to grab my flute, throw a chair down, reach over the clarinet players' heads for a stand, jam my flute together, frantically flip through my warm-ups to find the scale that I need, my heart beating wildly, my breath wheezing, coughing, and I feel like I'm about to puke. My band teacher, like everyone else, was way stressed out, so whenever we played something wring the whole balance quivered. I just wanted to bury my head in Nick's shirt and have him wrap his arms around me while I cry.

Is that to much to ask?

And then I had to go home, which I never really want to go to. I have to lie every second of every day.

Well, I have to go. To a concert. That I'm playing at.

Oh, God.

Well, ttyl.

Winter

2008-12-04T18:55:00.000-05:00

For all you in Warrenton- I bet you are TOTALLY with me when I say, WHY WON'T IT SNOW!?!?!? I love the snow, especially when the sun comes out and hits it just right, so that the snow sparkles dazzlingly.
I know someone even more dazzling then the snow. I have his face stuck in my head, so here it is:
His sometimes spiky blond hair, dyed red at the tips over the summer but now he cut it so it's not quite as sexy. His dazzling smile blinds me, my heart speeding up whenever he flashes one at me, my cheeks blushing red. His nose, slightly upturned and tiny, totally is cute. Like, "Cute button nose?" His pale skin perfectly matches my completion- lighter than mine, because I have some Latino blood pulsing through my veins, even though at first glance you'd never see it. The shape of his jaw, subtly defined, yet as supportive as my bra. His cheekbones jut out under his eyes- they are very high and really well defined. His ears are slightly covered by his sandy hair, and neither are pierced. (We both hate needles. Actually, we have a lot of things in common. He's so sweet!)
And his eyes... God, they deserve an entire post to themselves, they're that hot. They are a complex color, brown if he's looking straight at you, his pupils slightly dilated when he's looking at me, but when he turns around and faces sideways, it is a very hot green-blue-gray combo.
My eyes are just blue, with an icy jut of gray around my pupils.
Now that I can read this over and say that I did an adequate job of describing the man I love, I can totally look forward to tomorrow. I play flute in my WMS band, like I've said before, and tomorrow we're playing on Main Street. I'm totally freaked, because normally we just play in our auditorium to parents and dates. So anybody walking by can hear us... including my ex.
I'm scared.

for the love of cheese

2008-12-03T19:49:00.000-05:00

Yeah, yeah. Weirdest title ever. I needed something eye popping and- OH MY GOD, my little brother and sister are so freaking LOUD they never SHUT UP and I am TRYING to write here and *grits teeth in obvious irritation*
Oh thank god for bedtimes.
Anyway, now that my ears are beginning to stop ringing, I have to say, I really am not a normal twelve-year-old girl.
There are a number of reasons for this.
Instead of failing English or Civics like a normal seventh grader, I'm flunking math. And my dad puts so much pressure on me to be like exactly perfect at everything and I'm not. The only things I'm actually sorta good at would be writing, music, songwriting and art. which in my dad's mind are "no source of a good career" and "how do you expect to make a living for your family off your hobbies?"
Well, news flash, I'm not good at anything else.
Actually, not true. I'm fine at Science and Civics. It's just that my passion lies in sixteenth notes and in quotation marks, not in beakers. And he doesn't understand it at all!
I also have dreams about flying.
Soaring above the clouds, my tiny town giving way to the empty, clear, beautiful, free sky.
Suddenly my dream turns into a nightmare. I try to stretch my wings, but I feel no pull. I look back, see no black wings blocking out the sky behind me and feel icy fear stab my naturally fast heart.
I start spiraling downwards, the ground zooming in at an alarmingly fast rate. I scream, but no one can hear me. Besides, who would care if I died?
Then, when I'm about sixty feet from the ground, I see a face. Nick's face.
Normally after that I wake up, screaming and crying into my pillow. I think I have some issues. So lately, I've been staying up till five, just so I don't have that dream. I suffer from painful insomnia. Nick, if you're reading this, it's true. Every bit of it. And yeah, it's me. Rachael.
And love SUCKS.
And I really want to fly.

why is love so hard!?

2008-11-12T19:54:00.001-05:00

Okay, so I'm in love with this guy. He's my best friend, and he has been since fifth grade. He plays trombone, I play flute. To most of you this isn't really a big deal, but WMS prides itself at having the best music program in the county. So music is a really big deal to all of us here. We're practically heroes for carrying an instrument case. Anyway, so I keep telling myself, "Ask him out today. Ask him out today. Rachael! Ask him out already! You've only liked him since forever!" But for some reason I look into his eyes and I forget everything. It's like an aphrodisiac pain killer that makes my heart race. Girls (and guys) I TOTALLY get how you feel when the guy you like doesn't even notice you. For me, its that he talks to me every day, leaning across his desk so he can smile and look into my eyes. But I'm just not sure I could survive a breakup with him. He's saved my sanity a zillion times yet driving me mad with his inexplicable beauty and flawless persona. Oh the irony. So, if anyone has some advice- seriously, I even tried the bend and snap move, nothing!- please tell me.And tell me if he likes me or not. Because here are some things he does whenever were talking:

He laughs at all my jokes, even the bad ones.
He stares into my eyes and smiles.
He says hi to me all the time, whenever he sees me, in the hallways, while he doesn't to his other friends.
He took band this year because I told him that no matter what I was taking band.
He learned how to play the trombone after I told him that I could play the flute.
He talks to me at lunch even when I'm really stressed out, and he always calls me whenever something sad, frustrating or stressful happens to him.
When we went on the fifth grade camping trip, he said that he would have chose me to share his cabin if different sexes could share the same one
He's alwats there fore me and listens, and provides me with awesome advice even when it's about some guy looking down my shirt (not exactly familiar territory for a guy)

Seems sort of... jealous whenever I'm talking about a hot date I had last night.

So, yeah. Help is greatly appreciated.

Pet food recall

2008-11-12T19:01:00.000-05:00

I know this was a long time ago, but I saw a video on YouTube about it-http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yxZUJlfWJ1k- and it made me cry. I have a cat- her name is Katie, and I love her more than anything. So as I was watching it, the very last part of it, about a cat named Mao who was put to sleep because of kidney failure from the recalled cat foods. It was about her last day with her loving owner. Her owner said, "I love you. I love you sweetie pea." And though I tried really hard not to cry for all the other parts, that last part was waht made me bawl.
So after it's over and I'm trying to mop up may face, I walk upstairs, drying my eyes. I have a picture of Katie on my dresser, and she is the most beautiful cat. She has soft gray black and white fur with soft green eyes. You can see that she loves everyone around her because when I get home from shool and sit on the sofa, she walks on me, puts her paws om my chest, meows and purrs. Sometimes this gets annoying- in the best way possible- but when I was up in my room I really thought about how much I love my Katie. If she was dying, I'd refuse to got to school and just spend the entire time with her. She's like a sister to me. So, take this into consideration, watch the video, and it isn't me, btw. I'm blond and younger. But she really is funny, and this is one of her few serious ones. Hug your pets, never take them for granted, take good care of them. They can't take care of themselves, you know. and if there's a nuclear Armageddon, only cockroaches and cats will survive. Food for thought, and randomness for desert.
;) Rachael =p

Let's all... SCREAM! Let the leaders hear you!

This SUCKS dude.

Bisexuality

The truth

The truth

Windows... Why do we find them dreamy?

I need him.

What I've learned

For my ex.

Why

7 things (kind of Miley Cyrus parody)

Kiss

Poem

Every Rose has its thorn (Vampire story)

News...

I know.

Every Rose has it's thorn

A lot about guys, the sadly needed lowest form of life (no offence to anyone exept...)

Florida! (day 4)

Florida! Day 3

Florida! Day 2

Florida!- Day 1

Song

Hands are cold as ice.

I never said I didn't love you!

Love, love, love!

Is it weird that I think like this?

Um, yay?

Why am I blogging at 2:05 pm?

*smile* *smile* *smile* *smile*

I am being driven insane!!!!!!!!!!!!

Stupid Valentine's day...

Love freaking SUCKS.

Missin' you

Paranormality is *my* normality! Normalness is SOOOOOOOO overrated.

I'll never be like you want me to. I'm not like that. You, of all people, should know that, dad.

Sleepwalking? I don't know. Maybe. Whatever, it's still weird.

All you'd ever need is love... and a Ferrari... and...and...and...

When you live forever...

Guys are plane crashes waiting to happen. Nod. (Sorry guys! But tell me it's not true. Tell me.)

New Year!

it's the most *cough* wonderful time of the *sneeze* year

He's the reason for the teardrops on my guitar

The calm after the storm... wait wasn't the calm supposed to be before the stom? Uh oh.

Christmas,baby, Christmas!

Family

I hate getting sick...

The end of the world

Field of Innocence

Christmas performance

Suckiest day EVER

Winter

for the love of cheese

why is love so hard!?

Pet food recall

smile smile smile smile

Paranormality is my normality! Normalness is SOOOOOOOO overrated.

it's the most cough wonderful time of the sneeze year